The proroguing of the Narwhals

[EDIT: Report 2 of 2 from RtHon Charles King-Tenison. Following an exciting few weeks for British Politics, the Narwhals decided to have a far less exciting game vs. Avondale too. Remember, Brexit means Brexit, votes mean goals and that Charles struggles with Cider… Order!! Order!!]

September 15th Stats

Last Wednesday saw a defeat of the Narwhals majority Government in the House of Whitgift, by the Opposition Avondale party. A surprising defeat not relating to the good officiating by the speaker Stuart Marsh. The Narwhal Government was defeated mostly due to poor defending against Avondale’s weak, loopy votes and lapses of individual focus during debates.

There was some good performances – notably the RtHon Member for Dickensington. Having recently crossed the floor from the opposition benches to join the Narwhal’s Government. He successfully won three votes and was unanimously proclaimed Most Valuable Politician on the Narwhal’s benches. The RtHon Member for Dickensington’s performance was fantastic with a high calibre of votes along with a high quantity.

Whereas the usually prolific RtHon Member for Bedford was lacklustre. Normally passing many votes, the RtHon Member for Bedford continuously failed to register votes, walking into both sides of the door frame to get into the voting booth but failing to land any meaningful or accurate votes – especially when considering his usual voting records. Hence the RtHon Member for Bedford only secured two votes but could have possibly gained many more with a little more luck next session. The RtHon Member for Bedford did however avoid getting elected as the Minister for Fluffery as the RtHon Member for Wimblebotham had a poor performance. The RtHon Member for Wimblebotham tried to defend the Narwhal Government against Avondale’s counter arguments but many of the opposition’s votes went straight over his head!

The most entertaining moment in the House of Whitgift was the variety of moments of the Parliamentary Session. A vote was passed by the Minister of Defence, the RtHon PooShute  (nicknamed by the media) ‘Shute first, ask questions later’, was helped over the line by bouncing ideas straight off the head of the RtHon Member for Gambleton.

Some members misbehaved and forced Speaker Marsh to prorogue them. The RtHon Members for Upper Finchly, Bedford and Gambleton all spent time prorogued. Even the Health Minister Loveless was prorogued once. While a world leader, visiting the Parliament over talks on Nuclear Arms deals, was also prorogued. North Korean leader Tim Jong Un randomly wandered into the House of Whitgift and was prorogued twice by the speaker Marsh!

Other members were in attendance but failed to vote a single time without the excuses of being prorogued. The RtHon Member for Lower Finchly, Father of the House, the RtHon Member for Halesbowen; and RtHon member for Kingston – who was believed to have spent all his time trying to get into the House of Lords and forgot about his responsibility to vote in the House of Whitgift.

Overall it was a defeat in the end for the Narwhal Government. However, the next parliamentary session could be more promising if the RtHon Members of Halesbowen, Kingston and Lower Finchly start voting and the RtHon Members for Bedford and Wimblebotham return to their normal voting form.

The “Ay’s to the right” have it. UNLOCK!!

The night of the burning eyes…

[EDIT: This is the first of two reports provided by our very own Lord of Chunderville – Charles KT. Sorry for the delay, he’d been hungover…]

Narwhals vs. Otter (06.09.19)

The Narwhals made a rather unsuccessful visit North to the heavily chlorinated seas of the University of London Pool to play Otter. A sad defeat of 13 to 9 left us traipsing back with only fervent hate of Otter Number 5.

The game, however, did not start so poorly with the opening quarter finishing 4-3, in our favour, and the end of the second quarter showing a close 6-6 draw.

The third quarter was more disappointing with us only scoring two goals despite receiving 4 man ups! Clearly, some practice is needed here!

While our defeat was complete in the fourth quarter as we were let in 4 goals only to respond with 4 man outs – and one goal…

Hence a rather lacklustre performance had lead to an exceptionally competitive competition for fluffer. Every single vote going to a different person (or Matt for two different things). So while the team certainly deserved a collective fluffer, Matt is the worthy winner of fluffer for a particularly fluffy all-round performance. The glorious moment came when Gio bizarrely sent himself out, having misheard the ref. Then Matt watched Gio get out rather than watch Otter play and score their unofficial man up.

The remarkably less competitive award for man of the match goes to Rob D for some classy defending (and drowning that f*cker number 5). With a special mentions for Dan, scoring all our goals, and Andy for not only attending when it was inconvenient for him but bringing supporter to cheer on the Narwhals in this challenging match!

Finally, a rather anticlimactic moment of the match goes to the collective effectiveness of Long-Shots with Rob D’s halfway shot being special! I’m glad to see that our Wednesday’s training on shooting from halfway was highly effective? And definitely the best use of our time…

Forza Narwhali