Socially unacceptable…

Hello all and welcome to your latest stat attack!!

April 29th Stats

Following a superb social on Saturday where the masses of Croydon were thoroughly entertained by a tear-enducingly beautiful rendition of Enrique Iglasias’ eternal classic “Hero” – a fearsome dozen made the short trip to the ganglands of West Wickham to face Beckenham 2’s.

From the off it seemed that the huge crowd of amassed fans (totaling 2) put us under pressure, and we never really reached our best level. Our passing was off, sometimes the pit was set up on 6m and our shooting wasn’t very good **cough** Who me? **cough**. Unfortunately we succumbed to a 10-8 defeat in what was a game we could have won had certain things gone our way. This includes me not missing from 2m, and Phil not missing a penalty…

Man of the match this week went to Matt “wayward pass” Finch for some top saves that helped keep us in the game. Shout out to Dan who came in a close 2nd, and to Nick for some good steals. Moment of the match went unanimously to Gary “Thunder bolt” Bowen who smashed the ball into the top corner from 7m – an absolute bullet of a shot that even the opposition had to applaud. Unfortunately our “fans” were talking to each other so actually missed the whole thing…

Fluffer this week went to Ed “shit shot” Gamble who managed to miss from 2m – slamming the shot against the cross bar… I’ll see myself out… That being said, I was closely followed by Phil “Cross bar” Richards and Rob “bounce shot” Loveless (only one vote in it boys!!).

Maddy club this week went to myself, Chris “where’s his hand going” Mann and (newly single having introduced Mrs. Popovic to me and Nick) Tadija. Unfortunately Tadija did a runner before we could take a photo of him, so here is the maddy club…



maddy ed and chris

Stats wise, John “Right Hook” Holah has taken a 2 point lead for the Catas, whilst Bedford continues to stay out in front for the top scorer. We still await Tim “ouchy” Young to return to the pool and the less said about PooPants the better.

I’m off to buy a bottle of wine, one glass and a straw… see you later!!

Forza Narwhali!!

A magnificent 7 1/2 travel to Mordor

Our intrepid 7.5 were tasked with venturing into the wastelands of Mordor, to seek out the legendary Mt Doom leisure centre and do battle with the Orkish hordes of Sutton and Cheam. Our spirits were initially buoyed by the absence of Gimli son of Weeble due to a business trip to the Iron Hills. However our hearts soon dropped when we spotted our arch nemesis, Alex “Balrog” Lenkei, who had taken a break from holistically healing himself to inflict his own very special brand of refereeing despair upon us…

April 22nd Stats

Initial omens were not good. Despite specifically asking for instruction on how to get to Mt Doom, re-known lover of wood, Phil ‘Legolas’ Richards, turned up at a different lava spewing mountain, primarily it would seem to have a poo in their disabled toilets…. The rest of our intrepid bunch soon realised that Legolas had done us a massive favour and taken one for the team, by taking the Fluffer award before we’d started allowed the rest of us to play with a gleeful abandon, without any risk of the dreaded Fluffer award.


Our journey did not start well, and we were two down in the first couple of minutes, playing a tight drop against the Uruk – Hai leader, ex GB Chris Evans, we unfortunately left lots of space on the top of the ark which the orcs took advantage of. Dan “Pippin” Bedford kept us in it with a quick fire goal from the pit before a quick one / two between Tony “Frodo” Popovic and John “Boromir” Holah released Boromir for a one on one with the Orcish keeper. Boromir duly beat the keeper much to the amazement of everyone in the pool, including himself. 4 – 2 down at the end of the first half we still had lots do….


Two quick fire goals from Nick “Merry” Shute at the beginning of the second quarter brought us right back into the game. A penalty save by Matt “Gandalf” Finch was followed by another Pippin goal and a speculative backhander from Rob “Aragorn” Loveless, giving us a two goal lead. Alas at this stage Frodo was struck down with cramp and our emergency reserve, Zach “Samwise” Finch had a much earlier introduction than originally anticipated. Two conceded goals at the end of the quarter brought the game neck and neck at the end of the half (8 – 8)


We began to take control of the game in the third quarter, our man down defence was strong and we were successfully marking Chris Evans out of the game. Boromir scored a screamer from 9m out and Merry got a tap in from 2m out. Two up going into the final quarter (11-9).


The final quarter was a frantic affair. Frodo was still suffering from cramp so Samwise started the quarter and dutifully took an arrow for his old man, getting himself ejected after I’d made the rather rash decision to clatter their pitman. Our man down defence held firm once more. A wobble during the middle of the quarter saw the Orcs come within one before Frodo, having re-found his inner strength, nonchalantly bounced a shot into the top corner to ensure us of the win. The game ended with the some Portuguese policemen desperately searching for Gimli and a hard fought 14-12 win for our heroic 7.5….


Man of the Match: John “Boromir” Holah for a hat-trick of goals and two exclusions

Moment: Boromir’s attempt at a push shot which ended up being palmed into his own net by the opposition keeper

Fluffer: despite us all thinking that this would be unanimous, Boromir’s wife got a vote from Boromir for locking him out of the house and turning her phone off thereby forcing him to sleep in the car, with hindsight I probably shouldn’t have texted her and told her that John’s ‘strong’ display that evening made him favourite to retain the Catas Trophy, ooops! Floater obviously still takes it though for his ‘roadtrip’.

This weeks Maddy Club:


Probably the save of the Century…

Hello all – for your entertainment today, please see the stats for this week below:

April 15th Stats

Wednesday saw us slide to a disappointing 12-9 defeat to a very beatable Croydon 2’s side. We were let down by our inability to play the referee and the fact we couldn’t stop their main player who scored 9 of their goals. On occasion we played well and scored some good goals, but when you only get one man-up, it is very difficult to capitalise!!

At the end of the game, the major count was 14-3, with Tadija, Finchy and Andy “goal hanger” Ogg the only players not to pick up an exclusion. Bedford managed to secure his first major of the season, and with majors being handed out like sweets, no one got a maddy!! Chris “frantic Two minutes” Mann had a highly productive time, racking up a major and three shots in under 2minutes. Great effort!!

Man of the Match this week went to Dan “Goals” Bedford for a few delightful finishes, although there were calls for this award to be removed given his missed penalty… but then I remembered that Oggy wimped out of taking it so I felt justified. Remember boys – you win it, you take it!!

Moment of the match was unanimously awarded to me for my epic block of Dave Leech at point blank range, tipping the ball onto the bar in front of an empty goal. It was truly sublime, and given we have no Maddy club this week, I have included an accurate recreation of this glorious moment for you all to marvel at!!

great save

Unfortunately Fluffer also unanimously went to me this week… What I failed to mention is that I shouldn’t have made that save in the first place. Three seconds before making my miraculous save, I had been excluded – therefore in saving the shot, I gave away a penalty and got myself wrapped – leading a strong charge on the Catas Trophy. All I can say is that the save of the season was worth it!!

Stats wise, Bedfore continues to lead the pack, with Nick falling further behind. In the race for the Catas Trophy, I have a small lead on Holah (who also picked up 3 majors this week), whilst Gary and Nick are tied on 9 each. Chapman remains Dead, Tim is still poorly, Tadija slowly climbs up the goal scoring charts and Phil has a poorly knee.

Last note from me – Social is on 23rd April and I have added to the site calendar. Make sure you are there!!

Forza narwhali!!

Stop Clocks and Poor Blocks

Afternoon all!!

Now that the website seems to be functioning again, feast your eyes on this weeks stats!! (don’t forget to look at last weeks too)

April 1st Stats

Wednesday saw us beat a very young Sutton & Cheam II’s 14-11. The omens were bad pre-game as we lost our goalkeeper Matt Finch for a mystery reason as well as our number one static attacker Simon Tidy – laid low by a sicky tummy bug… What a brave little soldier!! However, we overcame these set backs and motivated ourselves to take on the opposition. Despite a slow first quarter where our only goal came from a man-up, we turned up the heat in the remaining quarters and emerged victorious!! On a number of occasions we defended solidly and won back possession when the shot clock expired – strong stuff!!

Man of the match this week went to Nick “end-to-end” Shute for some good goals and even better swimming. Moment of the match also went to Nick – when despite still chasing Bedford for top goal scorer, he passed to a free Tadija, allowing him to score instead. It must be noted that this goal saved Mr. Popovic from a Maddy by 5 seconds… Fluffer however did go to Tadija “shit lob” Popovic when he attempted a lob whilst we were man-up and with a Sutton player in our half… The keeper promptly caught the lob with 2 hands and passed it down the field… uh oh…

Special mentions this week go to Gary for some great goalkeeping and excellent distribution. I heard that at training next week, Gary will be running a passing workshop for Finchy… Gary “Keeper” Bowen and Dan “Goals Goals Goals” Bedford came second in the MoM votes – so good job. It was also a close call with cock-ups this week, with Holah narrowly losing Fluffer for failing to block a shot from the opposition half – the ball sailing over his head and into the goal… In other news, new boy Rob got his first maddy for the club – his love affair with the woodwork putting him in a position to challenge Phil “I love wood” Richards.

Rob argued he got “lots of assists”… we all know that’s not a good enough excuse…

As for the stats, Bedford extends his lead at the top, with Nick in hot pursuit. Phil is having a bit of a goal drought having not scored in a while – meaning that despite not having played for many weeks, Oggy remains in the top 3. Having picked up two baffling majors this week, I have raced into the lead for the Catas Trophy. Holah is incensed and will be punching someone some time soon… SpongeRob PooPants is dead.

Until next time, here is the Maddy Club… They both look too happy…

Maddy club 30.3.16