The one where Shute got a Maddy and then fiddled the match form….

Waggle.  Waggle. Waggle.

May 27th Stats

This game had a massive whiff of our long lost slightly Arabic “friend” about it, the old waggle, waggle, miss (or save) one on one routine was strong, very strong in this game. It also ended in massive controversy, but more about that later….

Initially our 11 strong side were massively buoyed by the absence from our ranks of Croydon’s finest Enrique Iglesias tribute act, however the fact the Guildford had intentionally rocked up half an hour early to get a good warm up in (and were ejected from the pool for looking like they might ‘interfere’ with the three school kids still in the water!!) was slightly un-nerving. However they were without their Spanish international goal keeper and Calum Bailey so all was not lost!

The first quarter was a cagey affair. We in-excusably let them score twice from one of their players not tracking back, whilst Rob “for the Fans” Loveless scored a good goal from the wing and a tap in from 2m and Dan “definitely not Mr Angry” Bedford was his usual dominant self in the pit. 2 all at the end of the 1st.

The second quarter started as the first had ended Rob having the ball stolen from him on 5 meters and their big no.10 scoring again from 2m. Two well worked Dan goals from the pit put us in the lead for the first time. However, three missed one on ones, one each from Nick “Cheaty Mc Cheat Pants” Shute, Rob and Dan, kept the game tighter than it should have been. At the other end a combination of Gary “He grabbed me” Bowen, John “the new bish bash bosh?” Holah and Simon “Boyzone” Gately had their centre forward wrapped up and floundering… Gary was however guilty of one of the worst passes out of defence you will ever see, thankfully they didn’t score from it! His excuse? “He grabbed me”. 4 – 3 to the Narwhals at half time.

The highlight of the third quarter was Rob yet again pulling out all of the stops to impress his travelling fan(s) and banging a glorious goal in of the post from 6m out. Their offence was well and truly going nowhere and we were now beginning to dominate in most facets of play. Another missed one on one (this time with extra waggle as well) meant that despite being 7 – 4 up at the end of the third quarter, it was still closer than it should have been….

The final quarter was a bit of a damp squib, we started to panic a little, not knowing whether we should press our advantage or sit back and soak up pressure and ended up conceding two quick goals to bring Guildford back to within one. Another good Rob tap in from 2m settled our nerves and saw the game out with an 8 – 6 win for the Narwhals 

It is now that the controversy begins. In the changing rooms, Nick was proudly telling everyone how he had been sent out before his two missed one on ones and therefore he DEFINITELY was not trying to get sent out. We believed him. However in the pub it was revealed that the fiend had doctored the match sheet to show him having been ejected, when in fact he was a face on a poster in the Algarve. Poor show and a crime that I’m sure will receive a fitting punishment when put to the Jury on tour. Not wanting to unduly influence that forum but can I mention two words. Firing. Squad.

A record Portuguese police presence this week with five of our eleven playing hide and seek and two only escaping as they assisted with the table. This weeks Maddy club photo below, Shute is of course hiding his face in shame.

Maddy - 27th May


This week’s Man of the Match went to me, for allegedly “saves, steals and distribution”, sounds like Weebles favourite song really…. Honourable mentions to Rob, John and Dan who all got votes.

Moment was pretty unanimously Rob’s unstoppable shot into the top corner. He’s quite simply not invited anymore unless he brings a spectator.

Fluffer was a mixed bag with four different people all picking up votes, however for his despicable act of match sheet vandalism, Nick takes it.

Forza Narwali!!

Editors note: For the first time since we started collating stats, we have a new member in the Champions League slots – Leicester like in their surge up the table. Congrats Rob “Fans Fans Fans” Loveless for taking 3rd spot from Phil “Floater” Richards and Andy “Slim Fast” Ogg. Can he catch Shute? Only time will tell!!

The Beauty & The Beasts

Following a bruising encounter against Avondale 1.5’s, the stats are ready…

May 18th Stats

A plucky 9 made their way to Putney to do battle in the Surrey League – and battle it was!! The game was always close with only a goal or two in it – had our finishing in the 2nd quarter been a bit better, we could have potentially won it – however there was to be no happy ending to this particular fairy tale. The beasts in question were Phil “wobble” Richards and Si “What did I do?” Gateley – who both got three majors and in Si’s case, his “first ever wrapping”… This left us with a bare bones 7 for the majority of the 4th quarter, and Zac admirably stepped up to the plate. As the defence dropped off and debated whether or not to press out, Zac launched a looping shot into the far top corner – his first goal for the club and a real beauty!! Our nemesis on this occasion was some particularly busy refereeing – but on the whole we are starting to look a bit more competent!! (Heaven forbid!!)

Man of the Match this week went to Rob “put on a show for his Mrs.” Loveless who chipped in with 4 goals and one of the most casual one on ones you will see. His performance was likely boosted by our travelling support – Rob treating Mrs. Loveless to a romantic evening out involving the Narwhals in speedos – a lucky lady!!

Moment of the match unanimously went to Zac this week. The shot was a delight and it was a great way to kick-off his goal stats. His goal tally for the season is now better than Finch Snr… It’s now clear who the better polo player in the family is… Special mention for Zac as well who took “tight marking” to a new level, practically sitting on top of his allocated attacker. Good job!!

Fluffer this week is shared between Si “tap and up” Gateley and Phil “Putney is such a long drive from Woldingham” Richards. A number of voters decided to vote for both players – my preference would be to award to Phil for his massive wobble, but votes are votes… As a special treat, here is a picture of the inaugural WT Narwhals Fight Club…

Fight club

Careful John Holah – they are coming for your title!! Special mention to Matt “no goals” Finch for letting in a lot of back shots…

Stats wise, Nick closes the gap on Bedford to 9 goals, whilst Phil pushes his way back into the green zone. Lets see you back at some games Oggy!! John “Fighty” Holah stays at the top of the Majors chart with Gary and Myself in hot pursuit. Having had 2 maddies in a row now, I am looking to get out of the rut – expect lots of goals in the next game… NAAAAATTTT

In other news, we continue to build the brand with the development of our new Facebook page – I’ll see all you fans there!!

Until next time – FORZA NARWHALI!!!


A Massive Semi – 4 goal head start? Why not have 4 more!!

Afternoon Gents,

Following a bumper 2 game week, you get a double stat attack today. Two great wins, one vs. Croydon and the second in the Tom Dwyer Cup Semi-final against Kingston.

May 13th Stats

Monday saw a measured 8-7 win over Croydon where had our shooting been better, we would have won by much more. The true aim of the day seemed to be who could hit the post the most, and in that vein, Rob “I Love Wood” Loveless was crowned the woodwork champion of the week!! Even so, we did play some good polo at times and we did score some good goals. Rather optimistically Matt “please let me play outfield” Finch came out of goal. Sadly it seemed he disappeared soon after and the Portuguese Police continue their investigation…

Man of the Match for Monday went to Gary for some superb goalkeeping and distribution. I almost removed some votes from him as he did pass me the ball so I could score – clearly losing the game of “Don’t Pass to Ed…”.

Moment of the match went to Nick and Dan for a delightfully worked goal that involved a number of high-class flicks and tricks. The voting was almost unanimous. Special mention goes to Zac for picking up an extremely well worked major. Dave Leech will never try and turn you again!!

Fluffer was awarded to Rob “Cross bar Challenge” Loveless for an extraordinary miss from 2m out – pinging the ball off the crossbar when one on one with keeper. We were all very disappointed…

Special mentions need to go out to Nick “Brave little Soldier” Shute who played dispite having a boo-boo… Well we say he played… It is rumoured he has disappeared along with Mr. Finch. Special mention to Tadija too who never lets a habit die, but jumping in the pool when rolling subs and nearly giving away a penalty…


Wednesday saw the Semi-final of the London’s premier handicap knock-out competition come to Whitgift, where the Narwhals were victorious 17-12 over Kingston despite being 4 goals down at the start of the game. It was universally agreed that we all played exceptionally well, with Bedford and Shute picking up 6 goals each and Gary having another stormer in goal!! For this reason, and for the first time ever, the overwhelming vote for Fluffer was R.O.N – a Narwhals first!!

Man of the Match went to Dan “Ginger Balls” Bedford for some great goals and tireless work in the pit. He also picked up Moment of the Match for a speculative backshot lob that beat three of the opposition players. Shout out to Nick “goals goals goals” Shute who came back from his maddy with a vengeance and only finished one vote behind Dan for MoM.

Wednesday also saw the arrival of Simon Gateley – Nottingham Alumni and new boy to the team. Unfortunately his first game didn’t go so well and he had the pleasure of joining me in the Maddy club. Picture provided… Unfortunately I didnt have one of Finch and Shute so I improvised…

Ed & SiNick and finch

With the Mighty Narwhals, the “other” pride of South London in their own final, the hordes of fans can’t wait for the review in the Croydon Advertiser!!

Stats wise – Bedford has now broken the 50 goal mark for the year, with Shute on the same number of goals this year as at the same time in 2015. John “Punchy” Holah has taken a commanding lead in the Catas Trophy stakes whilst Gary is developing a dangerous Brutality Rating… Compared to this time last year we have scored 45 more goals but given away 21 more majors. Things are looking up!!

Until next time gents,