The sights of the A3

Buoyed by not only the absence of Gimli, but also Dr ‘High and Wide and that’s just the passes’ Loveless, an eager and invigorated 9 Narwhals travelled up to New Malden to take on the might of Kingston II. All of this enthusiasm was knocked out of us in the car park when a certain referee was spotted, would the curse of Mr Lenkei strike our brave boys once more?

 July 21st Stats

The initial omens were not great, Nick “Back to Black” Shute was going up and down the A3 for sh1ts and giggles and leaving us with 8 against an oppo with a full complement of 13. An inexperienced starting seven took to the water more in hope than anticipation….

With the Lenkeisation of the game somewhat mitigated by a second ‘competent’ referee the game quickly settled into a pattern. Kingston dominating possession (the lack of a shot clock helping them out here) but with little cutting edge and with the Narwhals countering efficiently. Two minutes in saw the Narwhals take the lead through a first time shot from Stef ‘New Boy’ Lombardo, this was closely followed by a Floater rocket and a typically well taken pit goal from Dan ‘Organisation’ Bedford. We would have had a clean sheet too if our illustrious keeper hadn’t been ‘distracted’ by some whimsy and let a speculative shot fly in without moving….

 Nick blessed us with his presence for the second quarter having finally got bored of the delights the A3 has to offer and the Narwhals continued to dominate, all be it mostly without the ball. Defensively sound except from our awesome keeper yet again literally drifting off and being lobbed from distance, a couple of Dan specials and a Nick breakaway goal saw us 6 – 3 up at half time….

 The third quarter, whilst attacking the deep end, saw our moment of the match. A mediocre ball into the pit was plucked from the water by Andy ‘The Scoutmaster’ Ogg and placed in the top corner of the Kingston goal in one motion. Our defence was yet again effective and tight and if our talented goal keeper hadn’t been busy organising our defence rather than watching the ball, Kingston wouldn’t have scored another speculative long range effort (anyone seeing a pattern here?)

The final quarter saw the Narwhals run away with it, a quick fire ‘perfect’ Nick hattrick (lob, near post & far post) coupled with another Floater screamer and a Dan pit goal saw the Narhwals run out 13 – 5 winners on the night. A highly satisfying victory in a pool where traditionally we have struggled with the shallow end, Lenkei reffing and Kingstons industrial physicality….

Man of the match was Dan for bossing it in the pit whilst also covering in defence and ploughing up and down the pool, very much an all round performance despite the five goals! Moment was Oggy’s excellent goal. Fluffer was not quite as unanimous as it might have been. Nick voted for himself for his A3 adventure, but despite that I managed to convincingly wrap up another fluffer on my quest to build a ‘unique’ DVD collection… Messers Young and Mann took an early summer holiday and we last seen enjoying the sites of the Doura valley….

Forza Narwhali

Look at the size of the stats on that!!

This week we have a double stat attack from our two away games of last week – vs. Sutton & Cheam 2’s and London Orca 2’s. Unfortunately I cannot remember much from either game so you’ll have to make do with what you get here and look forward to Finchy’s match report in a few days!!

July 13th Stats

Wednesday 6th July saw us head into battle against Cheam 2nd’s at Cheam Baths – a location we had not visited in several years. This became apparent when Matt “late arrival” Finch forgot how long it actually took to drive to Cheam and nearly missed the start of the game. Subsequently we ended up playing the entire match with borrowed Sutton hats… We did reasonably well for 3 quarters, going into the 4th 6-8 down. Sadly we didn’t do particularly well in the 4th – conceding 3 and scoring none. We had a lot of chances, but missed them all – some botched 1 on 1’s and some dire shooting. The final score (11-6) flattered Sutton but our shooting really let us down.

Awards for the match:
Man of the Match: Matt “double” Finch for grabbing two goals despite not having a warm-up
Moment of the Match: Dan “flappy hands” Bedford for a delightful volleyball-esque goal, flicking the ball over the pit man’s head and then flapping it past the keeper. He definitely was not standing. Or jumping.
Fluffer: Sadly goes to Rob “Woody” Loveless for his profligacy in front of goal. 1 hour of shooting practise the remedy…


Friday 8th July saw a plucky 8 turn up to Porchester Baths to watch the Belgium-Brazil game… I mean, play Orca 2’s. The team consisted of some returning heroes, including Tom “one major, one goal” Burridge and Tim “Bicep cannon” Young. After a World Cup Quarter-Final, a burger and a few beers (and a fizzy apple juice for Charles), we wandered down to the pool. As we were sans keeper, we all took a turn in goal – Young, Shute, Holah and Gamble doing the honours. A high press worked wonders for us and a convincing 16-4 scoreline was the result. With the final whistle the crowd went wild – mostly because Ed “Jordan Pickford” Gamble had managed to keep a clean sheet. Miracles do happen. Potential fluffers to the whole team for not trying to score an own goal…

Awards for the match:
Man of the Match: Big man Burridge for making his way up to the game from Bournemouth and heading home that same night. Big effort for the team – and despite not getting his usual major, did pick up a goal for his troubles.
Moment of the Match: Nick “acrobat” Shute for his deft redirection of a drilled pass to grab a goal. One of the voters likened it to an “overhead kick with his hands”… So a shot then?
Fluffer: goes to rubbish Nick Shute for his awful quarter in goal where he let in half of the Orca goals. We are all very disappointed in him… (lol)

Anyway – that’s the stats for this week. Will hopefully have another report for you soon from our game vs. Kingston last night.

Until next time – Forza Narwhali!!

Is there a World Cup on?

Despite the heroics of last night (did someone say penalties?), I had to get this match report out before the next game. With England’s shooting as bad as ours and Colombia’s defending as punchy as Eastern Otters, it feels appropriate that this stat report comes out now – not to mention the Lenki-esq refereeing from the American in charge…

June 30th Stats

Following a team sing-a-long at the social last week, we bring to an end our celebration of all things football and Narwhal related by bringing you the alternative lyrics to two more fan favourites… Please enjoy:

“Pre-Match Poo” (to the tune of Vindaloo by Fat Les)

Where on earth are you from?
We’re from the Arctic
Where you come from
Do you put the shot clock on?

Swim off

Nah nah nah Narwhals!
Nah nah nah Narwhals!
Nah nah nah, nah nah nah Narwhals!
Nah nah
Bonjour (Narwhals!)
Otters (Narwhals!)

(nah nah nah nah nah nah)
Narwhals! Narwhals! Na Na!

We’re Narwhals
We’re gonna score ten more than you

(whistle blown)

Can I ask you kindly please,
To score a goal like one of these
Pit one
Bounce one
Lob one
Smash one

Smash it

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…
Narwhals! Narwhals! Narwhals! Narwhals! Na Na!

We’re Narwhals
We’re gonna score ten more than you


Gamble and Bedford / And Shute and Finch
We’re off to Whitgift Pool
Loveless and Mann and Bowen and Holah
Phil did a pre match poo

F*ck it!

Pre match poo. Pre match poo. Pre match poo, pre match poo. Narwhals! (repeat)

Pre match poo, and we all love a pre match poo

We’re Narwhals
We’re gonna score ten more than you


Narwhals (pre match poo), Narwhals (pre match poo)
and we all love a pre match poo

You know the rest… repeat forever!!

and for fun…

“The John Barnes Rap” from World in Motion (c.1990)

You’ve got to press or drop
But do it at the right time
Rob got a goal at last
Chris Mann wants him to be fined
They always hit Ogg and hurt him
Dodgy defence and attack
There’s only one way to beat them
Swift counter attack
Now Catch me if you can
‘Cause I’m Amy Wine-hands
And what’s quite clear to see
There is no master plan
Finch made a great big save
But left an open goal
A Narwhal on his trunks
We knew it would all go wrong

We’re singing for Narwhals
We’re playing our song,

So basically – we beat Eastern Otter 18-8. it was a punchy affair but we won through. A nice distribution of goals and majors and a relatively good performance. Man of the Match was shared by Nick and Phil, whilst Moment of the Match was shared by Nick, Oggy and Weeble (2 votes each). Fluffer this week was shared by Woody (for not passing to Chris Mann and missing a “few” shots) and Finch Snr (for saving a 1v1 only to then flick the ball to an opposition player leaving an open net). Finch Jnr failed to vote so could have broken the deadlock…

Maddies were collected by Zac, Stef, Charles K-T and Andy W. A delightful four man trip to the Algarve.

Sutton tonight – up the Narwhals!! Baaaddooooooooooppppp!!