I don’t understand helmets… they go right over my head…

Hello all,
Following our 16-7 defeat to a Sutton and Cheam “2nd” team (featuring an Olympian and some 1st team players) as well as a certain Mr. Lenki reffing – here are this weeks stats:
As we arrived at the pool and saw who we were playing and who was reffing, we took a deep breath and prepared to batten down the hatches, put on our helmets and prepare for an onslaught. I don’t want to complain too much, but I think there is a dubious selection policy at Sutton, even if it is “within the rules”… it pushes the definition of 2nd team to its limit…
Anyway, down to business – given some wayward passing and inability to win minor fouls, we were beaten on the counter attack several times in the first two quarters. Our third quarter however was significantly better, resulting in a 3-1 win. I will focus on the positives – we had some really good man-down defense, and the majority of our man-ups ended in goals. When we spoke to each other and got organised, we were solid to break down and we were able to frustrate the opposition. We got a lot of practice at man-down, with our major count being 8 to Sutton’s 3. Holah and Burridge clearly have thug like reputations – yet try as I did, Lenki refused to major me!!
Down to the awards – today we have our first clean sweep of the year. Nick “gets all the awards” Shute collected 2 goals, a major and all 3 awards – MoM, Fluffer and Moment. Tip your helmets in appreciation gentlemen!! Man of the Match was awarded for his goals, moment for his backhand helmet shot and Fluffer (with all 8 votes) for passing to the opposition/getting mugged by a 14 year old. Special mentions go to Tom “mouthy” Burridge for travelling from France to play and to Phil “No.2” Richards for putting away more shots than he scored!!
Despite the odds not being in our favour, good effort yesterday boys. Remember, everything gets better with training…
Until next time, happy helmet hunting!!

Stats Democracy in action


May 14th stats

A slightly delayed stats update following an impressive spread vote for moment of the match. This follows a last minute (well, 10 seconds) defeat to Beckenham II’s (11-10).

Despite a magnificent come back in the 4th quarter which saw us level the game from 3 goals down, we were defeated by a last gasp goal. Having called a time out and scored from our man-up, we only had to defend for 12 seconds to tie the game. Unfortunately we didnt manage that and it was then too late to come back again. Despite some hit and miss passing in the first two quarters, our 4th quarter full press worked remarkably well, and in a game that saw 19 majors between both sides, our man-up/man-down tactics worked fairly well – the only way to improve is to train…

Man of the match was awarded to Nick “back in form” Shute who picked up 4 goals. He narrowly beat Bummage and Oggy who got 2 votes each. However, Fluffer award was also awarded to Nick – who following Oggy winning a major, decided to pass the ball straight to a Beckenham player, despite us having a 3 on 1. That being said, he only narrowly beat Matt “I’ll save anything as long it isn’t straight at me or from outside 5m” Finch. Moment of the match, for a long time was a 6 way tie, the nominees being:
– Floater swallowing half the pool in Q1
– Full press in the 4th Quarter (team)
– Ed winning a Swim off
– Ed winning a penalty (and Nick scoring it) – mostly Ed being in a position to win a penalty…
– Ogg scoring to tie the game
– Nick’s “other” pass – which led to a goal

However, with a Oggy no vote, we waited for Phil to cast the deciding vote. His response… “can’t really think of one…” – When pushed for a decision, he graciously chose me winning a swim-off. Thanks guys, its nice to be appreciated!!

Stats wise, Gary “Corporate Golfing trip” Bowen has found his form and is working his way up the scoring charts. I continue my bruising encounters with the Major king, whilst Nick maintains his position as top scorer. Having given away two penalties on Tuesday, Finch is the most aggressive keeper we have ever seen… be careful…

As a final note, the stats will now also be uploaded to the Narwhals website and can be found here (https://www.owsc.org.uk/category/match-reports/). As of next week, all reports will go online and I will only send out the link. Have a look at the site and enjoy!!

Until next time… Forza Narwhali!!

Socially Unacceptable


May 8th Stats

A bit of pre-tour stating for you. Definitely wont be used for fines later…

Yesterday saw us play Kingston III’s… no II’s… ok maybe they had a few first team players… with a shoe string 7. We lost 13-8 and although I hate to criticise referees… there were a “few” interesting decisions.

Chris Mann defied the advise of his physio to play yesterday and made some vital interventions playing in goal. For his efforts he was duly awarded Man of the Match, despite Dan “I only vote for myself” Bedford contributing 5 goals to yesterdays tally. He was however beaten 4 votes to 3. Fluffer was awarded to Matt “Bouncer” Finch for his 0/8 goal to shot ratio – all misses coming from over excited bounce shots. He narrowly beat Tim “Mr. Bump” Young who managed to fall of his bike twice…

Moment of the match was hotly contested. I got nominations for tackling the keeper and providing Dan with an assist (as well as winning another swim off), the whole team got nominations for a fine 3rd quarter, Chris got a vote for his goal keeping antics and our man-down defence also got a vote. However, not one to chase glory, I decided to give the moment of the match to our 3rd quarter revival – shame we couldnt maintain that in the 4th quarter…

Other incidents of note – Gary now has his scoring boots on having racked up 3 goals in 2 games. On the flip side, Nick “were you actually there” Shute managed to not score for the first time in living memory… better luck next time!! I continue to smash my way through the Major King competition. After two years of failure, could this be my year??

Next update to come post Beckenham. I’ll see you at the social!!

Forza Narwhali!!

Full time Fluffer


April 30th Stats

A mid-afternoon stats report to take you through to the end of the day!!

Yesterday saw us lose 9-7 to Avondale II’s – a game we could have won were it not for some wayward shooting, some losses of concentration and a certain failed back pass (something I’ll get on to later). Our current record for the season is 8 wins and 3 loses, with a goal difference of +15. Not a bad tally for being a third of the way through the season!!

Man of the Match yesterday went to Nick “Poo-y bottom” Shute. Despite being “marked out the game” or so he claims, he managed to score 4 goals. As part of that tally, I can also tell you that he managed to score the teams 100th goal of the season!! Beers on Mr. Shute? Yesterdays game also saw the brief, hobbling return of Sheikh abu bin “ooooo my shins” Harwood. Unfortunately he got a maddie… maybe he should just focus on growing back those toe nails… On that note, yesterdays “Banter Prize” is awarded to everyone who mocked Stu before the start of the game. I personally enjoyed watching him hobble about!!

Fluffer was, for the second game running, unanimously awarded to me. In essence I passed the ball to an unmarked Alan Stitt and he scored. For Avondale. I’ll see myself out.

Moment of the match was awarded as a team effort. In the second half Avondale failed to score from a single man up. Our defense was solid and we were putting in some big blocks. Good effort guys – I’d like to say training is paying off, but seeing as no one is going… Other than that, some lapses in concentration cost us the game, myself included. Lets try and focus up for the next game!!

As for the stats chart, Nick continues to push out in front with 36 goals for the season. I have extended my lead as Major king and Tim “Bicep Canon” Young continues to slowly climb up the table. The big news from yesterday is that Gary has now recorded a goal, so can no longer take the title “Brutal”… upsettingly he now only has an exceptionally high brutality rating of 6.00. I think you have let everyone down Gary!!

Forza Narwhali!!

Statistically Improbable

Hello Gents,

April 24th Stats

Stats report after a busy week of polo – 2 whole matches to tell you about!!

First off we have a 10-8 friendly victory over Amphibs 3. Despite only having 6 players, we recruited a a goalkeeper and managed to play a full 4 quarters each… FITNESS!! Rob “sorry I’m still in the office” Chapman marked his return to the team with a goal and everyone managing to avoid a maddie. Moment of the match goes to Tim “5 lives” Young who managed to convert his superb 5 lives form in training to actually scoring an actual penalty in a match – more of the same please!! Man of the Match was a close contest between the men who played in opposite pits – Mr Holah’s great defending narrowly beaten by Phil “finally found the net” Richards efforts in attack (3 goals). Despite this, Phil also wins Fluffer for failing to pass to a free Nick Shute (on 2m) in favour of blasting the ball a few meters over the bar… Good one mate!!

Sadly our second game of the week went less successfully. An away trip to a murky Morden pool resulted in a 14-7 defeat. Again we were done over by counter attacks and an alarming tendency to give the ball away. Dan “Irn-Bru” Bedford made a special effort to make the game – flying in from Glasgow. His travels were rewarded with a goal, the Man of the Match award and the special prize of hitting the Sutton keeper in the face about 7 times. The game was also a bumper result for myself (Ed “are you sure you know how to play” Gamble), almost getting a full house – 1 goal, 1 major, fluffer and moment. For the fluffer, 5m out and unmarked, I fumbled the ball, couldn’t pick it up, panicked, started to sink and then “unleashed” a timid shot that barely reached the keeper… then they scored off a counter. Does that count as an assist? However, I made up for it moments later by scoring an impressive lob which managed to win moment of the match. That being said, there were 2 votes for a full team fluffer and 1 vote apiece for nobody to win Man of the Match or Moment… I think that probably says it all.

As for the stats themselves, Nick “magic hands” Shute is still in the blazing a trail up front with double the goals of his nearest competitor. I lead the Major king stats, whilst steadily climbing the goal scoring ranks. Gary “Thug Life” Bowen still holds the best brutality rating whilst Sheikh Abu bin Harwood continues to excel in the Maddie steaks after his ill advised return to the UK. In other news it looks like we need to put a bit more effort into scoring goals… The top 3 have scored 64% of our goals whilst Nick on his own has scored 1 goal less (32) than everyone else outside the champions league places (33).

Until next time… Forza Narwhali!!