Floater – the Goal Machine Poo

A tale of 2 contrasting games this week. One so well organised it completely threw the team, the other so last minute it was organised 48 hours in advance in the pub after the first. One journey to the far north, one in our favourite local. One agonising defeat, and one steadying win. However both with distinct lack of players as has become too comment in recent times.

4th August Stats

Game 1 – a lovely 40 minute tube to High Barnet. Plus a 20 minute (30 if you include going the wrong way) walk from there. Or the age old question, clockwise or anti-clockwise on the M25? It makes little difference this far out.

There was a highlight for a lucky few though. Games where we leave straight from work mean we can have a Cheeky Nandos and a McFlurry. The food of Gods (champions). The Galaxy Caramel McFurry  was definitely the evenings high point, especially for one well known toilet connoisseur.

The man of experience did his business pre-match as usual – the whiff of medium-spice peri-peri wafting through to poolside. That’s more than can be said for Shute – whose Nandos promptly decided it had had enough time in the intestine just as the ref blew the whistle to line up. Needless to say missing the start of the game because of poor pre-match preparation wins him fluffer in game one before he even touched the ball.

We were under pressure straight away, but battled very hard and traded blows for the first half. We went in 9-7 down, their 9th being a shot from half way a good second after the clock had gone to zero. Spending most of the 2 minutes of half time complaining to the ref, he proceeded to let them kick the shit out of us for the second half, our tiredness kicked in and we went down 15-9 (or something like that, no one got the match sheet).

Highlight of the day was Floater, who pre-loaded his bicep cannon with ice cream, caramel and chocolate and banged in 5 to pick up man of the match. Moment went to Zach, who was left to shoot from the wing and gobbled it up with a lovely lob into the far corner. No travelling this week due to lack of known goals and majors.

Game 2 – Still recovering from getting home in the early hours on Monday the team were bolstered by Mr Punch confirming his attendance, but a last minute emergency for Finch meant Robo-Hip had to take one for the team and put the red hat on. Oggy was absent due to the 48 hours notice, Phil hadn’t loaded his cannon (which was a worry), but Shute’s dads risotto was not giving him the same jip as the nandos so he was able to start the game. With Holly heavily pregnant and still showing more commitment than most of our team, we had to help the table so were left with no subs. It wasn’t looking good…

But what a bunch of heroes. Super solid defence in the first quarter left us 2-0 up. We went in at half time 3-2 up, but only thanks to lack of juice in the cannon and their keeper somehow managing to guess where Woody was going to shoot every time. Again, and again, and again. It’s almost as if he always shoots at the same corner…

We ran away with it in the third. The cannon started firing, the keeper didn’t pay attention for one of Robs shots (that was mean, it was a good shot), Shute finally put it in from more than 2 inches (whey) and Holah noticed the keeper doing a Finchy and looped it into the top corner from 9 meters. A 4 goal lead was unassailable, and the Narwhals battled to a 9-7 win.

An almost unanimous MoM this week for Gary in goal, some cracking saves with his hands, arms and head! Hats off to Bummage who made the trip for the second time in a week and put in a cracking performance in the pit, they got 12 majors!! Moment goes to Holah for his lovely 9m goal on the man up. Special mentions for Gary saving with his face, Zach for his telling off by the biggest, fattest man in the pool he was bullying. Fluffer was hotly contested this week. Richards and Loveless get a vote as of the 12 man ups at least 5 were ruined by them. Shute gets a couple of votes for passing straight to the other team blaming his “eyes”. But taking the award today, along with a self nominated vote, is Zach for receiving the ball on 2m during a man up, catching it, pirouetting, then passing it rather than just putting it in the goal. Even the other team couldn’t believe it or you’d have got pummelled. A goal, major or quarter on the table means everyone stays clean this week.

There’s probably a game tomorrow, so see you there!

A blind man, a drunk and 2 minors went for a swim…

A long overdue match report for a game from the start of July vs Beckenham. A valiant effort saw the Narwhals defeated 13-12 with only 4 able sighted, non-drunk, over the age of 15 men. Nick “no eyes” Shute our guest contributor…

July 31st Stats

Getting my kit together for the game, I went into my bed side table and grabbed my box of contact lenses. It was quickly obvious it was empty. For those of you who don’t know, I cannot see a bloody thing without my glasses, so that was me more useless than normal – but still better than Gimli.

Pulling up to East Croydon, Mr Burridge was promptly waiting, however Mr Finch was certainly not. When he did appear, he quickly jumped in the car and proclaimed “I’m completely fucked!”. Good start.

This left a solid 4 men and 2 lads. Vs Beckenhams 12…

We made a pretty poor start, 3-1 down 1st quarter. But a strong second got us back to 5-5 at half time. For one goal, swimming forward I could just about make out our pit man turn his man and push off. I threw the ball in that general direction, and this hero majestically came out the water, caught and swivelled, and sumptuously lobbed the ball over the keeper into the far corner. Apparently, this hero was Holah! Don’t believe it to this day.

We struggled in the third, going down 5-2. The only highlight was a delightful SPS (shute push shot) – still effective from 2 inches (that’s what she said…). A good final quarter, including a 4th for Hero Holah, a brace for Mr Poo and 1 each for Loveless (was this your beautiful backshot from the right wing after a little wobble on the side over the ref?) and myself saw us get to 12 goals. But 4 goals in the second half for their number 8 who was obviously too good and decided to start playing meant we ended up losing out 13 – 12.

Man of the match this week went to Hero Holah for his 4 goals. Shame it’s rarer than a win for Mellows Park Rangers. Moment was shared between Holah and Shute for their goals. Fluffer went to Matt “shout a lot at the defence, oh he just shot and I was too busy shouting” Finch. Not a single major this week, which means the ref was probably shit. But a goal for all but one sees Finch Jr holidaying on his own this week.

Next up a trip to the Northern Lands. Can Holah maintain this form? Will Burridge make the 500 mile round trip? Will Loveless have another wobble? Can Zach get back from holiday alone?? Find out next time.