And the award for incompetence goes to…

In life there are only three certainties – birth, death and Finchy forgetting to arrange a game… This week saw a staggeringly early bid for the Southern Rail Incompetence award and it has set a benchmark that will be difficult to beat!!

As the clock hit 9pm and I climbed in to my car on Wednesday 15th March, I was looking forward to a solid training session. Buoyed by the confirmation of 8 individuals, I was excited to practise some arc work and watch Phil blast shots over the bar. But as I approached the pool, something was off – I spotted several Eastern Otters gathering in the seating area. I was instantly filled with dread – was this an assassination squad sent to take revenge on us after the great battle of Walthamstow? I took no chances – quickly rushing to pool side without making eye contact. There I found a clearly bemused Finchy the Multi-coloured – had he been spending too long looking into a bottle of limoncello?

“Surely they have the date wrong” I mused as I checked our fixture list. “I hope so” responded the Finch… As we waited, more Otters appeared and we were increasingly outnumbered. Then our worst fears were confirmed as two referees arrived – there was to be a game – the opposition knew, the referees knew, we did not. Jumping into action, I grabbed the Narwhal horn…

“Badooooooooopppp!! Badoooooooooppp!!” the call was put out into the murky Croydon night. The scene cuts to Rob Loveless relaxing on his sofa. His ears prick up to the sound of the horn. “Narwhals are in trouble!! I must help them!!” Grabbing his best pair of speedos he ran out into the darkness to bolster our numbers. Sadly the call was not answered by Lord Ogg who was already elbow deep in a curry and beer spectacular. His lack of support for fellow Narwhals was noted…

And so the game began, our motley eight becoming nine with the arrival of Rob “give me majors” Loveless. We got off to a slow start, losing 3-2 in the first quarter, but we were roused by a great debut goal from Sam “gave him the eyes” Dunning – sending the keeper the wrong way and tucking the ball into the opposite corner. A strong second quarter saw us take a (dubious) 6-5 lead, mostly thanks to some very nice goals from Nick “Blurry” Shute. A mixed third quarter saw us finish at 8-8.

As we moved into the fourth quarter, the game began to heat up and get a bit niggly, as Loveless collected his third major, and our lack of basis maths skills caused problems on the table. We even saw Matt “forgetful” Finch come out of goal to try and grab us the win. In true Finch style he managed to collect a major for back-chat within 20 seconds… a strong contender for fluffer… He did however avoid a maddy by finally scoring a goal – a rare thing for him on his few forays out of goal. Sadly the opportunity to tie the game in the last few seconds fell to Ed “not so hot shot” Gamble – and that shot was saved… causing us to disappointingly fall to a 12-11 defeat. The current stats table is below:

March 21st Stats

Man of the Match for the game went to Nick “shooting improves when he’s blind” Shute for bagging 4 goals and moving into joint top spot in the goal scoring tally. Moment of the match went to the man on his debut – Sam “Poser” Dunning for his terrific debut goal. Finally, Fluffer was awarded to Gary, Phil and Zac for their inability to accurately count goals and fill out the match sheet correctly (no wobbles please). I am pleased to confirm that all 9 players managed to return from Portugal without running into the local Police force.

Stats wise it is tight at the top. Nick & Dan are tied on 17 goals, whilst Rob sits close behind on 16. Holah of course is leading as Major King, but is closely followed by Oggy. As we approach the end of Q1, the league table is looking tasty!!

Until next time (whenever that might be…) – Forza Narwhali!!

You’ve been Lenkied

Hello all,

It’s been fairly quiet on the Stats front – so we have a bumper stats report for you today. Showing stats from our last 3 games – a Win vs. Blue Marlin and two loses – one to Kingston and one against Avondale II’s.

March 10th Stats

There were no awards from the Blue Marlin game as it became a bit of a friendly. All you need to know is that Dan and Nick played for the other side and gave most of us the run around. Their goals and majors still counted though – so an easy couple of goals for them… That being said, they did become the first Narwhals to properly lose this year…

Next up, we have Finchy’s report of the Kingston game – bitterly titled: You’ve been Lenkied… (enjoy!!)


A Narwhals team shorn of its two leading goal scorers but buoyed by the absence of renowned scouse impersonator, Ed ‘Stag’ Gamble, rocked up to Kingston hoping to maintain our winning run. Little did we know that we had been signed up to participate in the water polo version of the “Wheel of Fortune”, the Alex Lenkie Wheel of ******!!****!!.

Having participated in this shit show game show before we knew what to expect and unfortunately we were not to be disappointed.

Lenkie did his usual manicure check and told us he would penalise going over the top and standing, unless it was Kingston he didn’t add.

Our usual strong start saw us concede early before Rob equalised in an uncharacteristic piece of good play, alas it didn’t last and the Lenkie wheel was spun…. attacking reversal…. spin… no foul…. yet again as the decisions got stranger our focus began to slip from the game in hand to trying to understand the enigma wrapped in a shell of ineptitude that is Lenkie. We also didn’t help ourselves by resorting to poor lobs. 3-1 down at the end of the first.

The second quarter saw us attack the deep end and a solid defensive effort saw us restrict them to a single goal. However Oggy was getting pummelled in the pit for no return and Lenkie refused to offer us anything. Charles did manage to squeeze in a shot just before half time to take us to 4 – 2 down at the break.

The third quarter saw us conceded early again but come back strong, helped by a couple of exclusions and a delightful Oggy goal from the pit, 5 – 4 at the end of the third.

The final quarter was such a complete and utter shower of **** that the author is still in therapy for it. Lenkie took control of the game and spun the wheel as often as he could. We lost. It was horrible. Rob excluded himself with a couple of minutes to go, threw down his hat and cried salty tears. The game ended in a 9-5 loss, with Tom “Bournemouth” Burridge scoring our final goal at the death.  Final score 9-5 to Kingston

Mom was shared between Charles for his well taken goal and me for saving three one on ones and remembering how to pass. Fluffer was Floater as I wouldn’t allow the ref to be nominated. Moment of the match was Charles’ shot in the second quarter.

The struggle continues, Forza Narwali!


As for the Avondale game, I cannot say there were many highlights. It was clear from the start we were pretty unfit and hadn’t trained in quite a while. As a result of the fairly poor performance, we did see the first award of MoM to our dear friend RON. Nick won Moment of the Match for being blind and still scoring, whilst Oggy won Fluffer for really really struggling with a one on one.

One positive from the game is that we have a new team member Sam. He nearly wasn’t allowed into the team because he admitted to knowing Lash – but the fact he claims to be an actor, singer and model meant that he had a lot in common with Ed “Hero” Gamble – so we let him stay!! Welcome to the team Sam!!

Hopefully we can pick up a W soon. We have quite a slump in form at the moment, so lets turn it around!!

Forza Narwhali!!!