[EDIT: This historical gambit has been brought to you by the marketing man himself, Rob Dickinson. The stats combine the last two matches (vs. Eastern Otter & vs. Kingston 2). Enjoy!!]

March 2nd Stats

On the way to the match, this correspondent committed an act of gross incompetence. When asked by fellow member of the public to swap £5 in coins for £5 in cash to help him use the petrol station tire pump, this schmuck happily agreed. Lo and behold, the driver jumped in his car and sped off as soon as he was passed the coins, royally mugged off this contributor, leaving him to the dead of the night.

While it was mildly amusing for the audacity, it is never good to lose ones pub money. But from these embarrassing beginnings; the only way is up.

Once gathered in our Narwhal pod, we collectively mugged off keeno club, Kingston Royals, 13-11.

11 crowns have now been placed on the heads of these valiant cetaceans. Crowns won through powerful swimming, accurate passing and thundering shots. Although smaller than the opposition, we showed our intelligence and dominated play making the most of every opportunity.

Of these 11 kings, these triumphant ring bearers, one king on the night earned himself the triple crown. However, more on that once this writer has allowed himself to verbose for a while.

Following several seasons of glorious mid-table, is this the year that this club climbs back to the top table of lower league regional water polo?

Will this victory usher in a new age of kings? Or will we return back to the days of missed passes and hitting the post? Will heavy be the crown? It is impossible to tell at this point. Perhaps the Narwhal’s story is best seen through the lenses of tonight’s foreshadowed triple crown winner.

Winterbotham had a game few could ever match. Winning MoM for some excellent saves and great passing. In particular a third quarter move, widely praised as the moment of the match, for a tricky, length of the pool arrow to thrusting forward Adrian who popped the shot through the keeper to score.

If that had been the end of the night for AW, this writer could have confidently, loudly and proudly shouted that this win, this glorious win, will be the future blueprint of success. With play this good, Manchester, Lancaster and Pro Rocco are doubtlessly likely to fall on our mighty elongated tooth

However, the simple act of throwing the ball into ones own goal does characterise perhaps why this golden dawn is in question, and may well always be in question.

Racing to a 4-2 lead, Narwhals stayed ahead throughout the game, extending at half time to 7-4. We suffered a mild scare in the third (who tabled that quarter?) but goals from Robert, Rob and Nick crowned the victory in the fourth, winning 13-11.

Interestingly in 1311, fake Scottish and fellow leftie, Robert the Bruce, invaded Northumbria. For this contributor, it will be interesting to watch whether his namesake, Mr Loveless, can continue burning a hole in the net and take Shute’s scoring crown. Or like Robert the Bruce, he will be pulled away to work in an alternative theatre.

///Admin///

Dishonourable mention to the Duke of Limoncello for visiting Stafford via Portugal.

It feels unfair to not praise every player as all 11 deserve the plaudits for the confidence and skill to raise above Kingston’s pathetic skulduggery. However, this isn’t a democracy. Raise it to the roof for Adrian, Matteo, Nick, Ed and Oggy for strong swimming and match play.

Andy W wins MoM, Moment and Fluff.

Back to the gym for the rest of you.

[Edit: This week’s post comes courtesy of a now flush Mr. Finch. With his new wealth he hired a ghost writer for this piece…]

The 1^st Earl of Kingston was an extremely distinguished gentleman. Not only did he sit in the Irish House of Commons he also held the office of Custos Rotulorum of Roscommon, was a member of the Privy Council of Ireland and was Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of Ireland. He would be turning in his grave if he knew how badly his great … great grandson had let down the glorious Narwhals. In fact all 12 past and present Earls would look upon this heinous deed with a sense of utter disappointment and probable loathing at the future of the baronetcy. What crime could be so bad to cause 250 years of disappointment and dismay, what could our team junior (TJ) have done to upset his ancestors so badly??

Please, ensure you are safely sat down for this part, the author is not responsible for any fainting or accidents that occur when reading about this abhorrent deed.

TJ forgot to give someone the hats for our game against Eastern Otter. I know, horrendous, and on its own a severe disciplinary breach of the infamous Narwhals Code of Conduct, but not only did he leave the Narwhals without hats for a home game, Chris Mann, our stalwart and Master of the Limoncello was forced to wear a canoe polo hat (without ears), which unfortunately made him look absolutely ridiculous. Alas no one was able to record this event to laugh at as evidence but the image will remain with us for a very long time.

The punishment will be severe and will no doubt result in someone having to look after TJ all night etc… etc… (so no change from usual then??).

After the shock of all this, we had a polo game against Easter Otter. We won 18 – 10 but as we were 14 – 4 up at half time, we very much took our foot off the pedal in the second half. The game was notable for Oggy beating up their star player and leaving him with a cut eyebrow and loads of ‘Blood in the Water’ (sounds like a good film title??) – apparently it was accidental not that anybody believed this though.

Notable performance from Dr Loveless who continued his fine ‘PT enhanced’ form with a four goal hall, our current hotshot trophy holder, Mr Shute, also bagged himself four goals as did the author of this piece, including scoring after 15 seconds of the game without the opposition having touched the ball! Gimli picked up two majors for particularly thuggish play whilst Oggy got a very dubious major in the last quarter for ‘accidentally’ smacking someone, one for the dubious major committee I think.

[EDIT – coincidentally we beat Eastern Otter 18-10 away from home too… Consistency!!]

MoM was Dr L for his continued fine form

Moment was Oggy’s brutalisation of the opposition

Fluffer, despite not playing, was of course Rt Hon. Viscount Kingsborough, our very own TJ, who I’m sure has now learned to ensure that our Narwhals are always suitably attired when we go into battle 😊

Forza Narwhali!