May Social

May Social – Confirmed – 8th May


Social is booked and arranged for 8th May – put it in your calendars and make sure you are free!! Plan is to meet in Clapham at 7 and move on to Rodizio on the High Street for 7.30. After getting our fill of delicious Brazilian meat, it is on to tavern of disrepute before we put on our dancing shoes and show Infernos what it is missing!!

I’ll see you there for some Jager bombs!!

Forza Narwhali!!


Into the Stat osphere

Afternoon Gents,

Please find attached the next installment of the Narwhals 2015 stats report.

March 26th Stats

Yesterday saw us record a superb 11-8 win over Avondale 2’s (with a 2 goal head start) which puts us in the final of whichever competition it was that we were playing in. The stage is set for the dramatic return of Luke ‘Only Tour and Cup Finals’ Penfold…


I think we played brilliantly well yesterday. When Avondale dropped off us we moved the ball around the arc and took sensible shots. If they pressed us, we put the ball in the pit and either Andy or Simon did the rest. Defensively we were solid, and once Simon learnt our man down routine we did really well there with some big blocks. Only when we got tired in the 4th quarter did our performance drop, but overall, I think this was by far our best performance of the year.


Special mentions have to go out to Bummage who left the south coast to put in a sterling effort in goal and to Oggy who scored some beautiful goals. Oggy was the winner of Man of the match as well as moment of the match – a shot from the pit cannoning back of the bar only to land back in his hand and be put past the stranded keeper. Fluffer was awarded to Phil ‘I love wood(work)’ Richards for consistently skying shots or hitting the bar/post. It has been suggested in two separate emails that Phil should continue to get Fluffer until he realises that the ball needs to go in the net… I’ll leave that for you to decide. Finally, we were all very disappointed with Mohammed Bin Harwood’s performance. It was almost like he wasn’t there…


Stats wise, Nick “Harry Kane” Shute continues to lead the goal charts, with myself and Phil heading out in front for Major King. Gary “Brutal” Bowen is continuing to maintain his brutality rating – in desperate need of a goal. Reflecting the current Premier league standings, competition is hot (based on goals scored) for the 4th champions league spot… Still a long way to go!!


Until next time, Forza Narwhali!!!



Stats update #4


Stats update #4 of the year reporting a decidedly unconvincing 12-8… no 11-9… no 10-7… ummm… victory over London Orca. Apologies for any inaccuracies here, due to numerical dyslexia, the match sheet is very difficult to comprehend. Basically we won – just.

Yesterday’s game saw the return of the Lash Monster – we’ll see you in six months mate. Somewhat regrettably however, despite the fact he hadn’t been in the pool for quite a long time, he was notably a lot less worse than the rest of us… A close result, but Lash is Man of the Match for the game… we might as well all give up.

Generally I think our lack of fitness was the biggest obstacle to our game yesterday. We were let off the hook by some good saves from Lash and Nick’s arrival in the 2nd Quarter when he contributed 5 goals. Phil again struck up a strong relationship with the wood work, banging it all night long. He did however produce the moment of the match – a “superb” bouncing shot from half-way to add to our tally 5 seconds before half-time. This is Phil’s 3rd moment of the match… what a super star… NAAAAAAATTTT

Fluffer this week was a hotly contested 3 way. Eventually the award is given to Matt “We are playing in blue right?” Finch for some extremely good passes to the opposition. The finest being a fantastic pass to an unmarked Orca player who was about 5 meters out. Best pass of the night I think!!

Things to take away:

– Nick has now scored a third of our goals… nailed on for his 3rd golden hand?

– Gary continues to be “BRUTAL”. Some goals are needed there Mr. Bowen

– Sarah records her first Maddy of the year

– Finchy is getting very good at fluffing – form an orderly queue!!

Seriously though, lets try and make an effort to get to training and build up some fitness. We know we will struggle for subs for the near future, which means we have to be fitter. It was really disappointing to see Orca out swimming and looking generally (aerobically) fitter than us. Big effort lads.

Forza Narwhali!!

Stats Update #2


Following a brief lull in stats updates, I am pleased to report on two stellar victories for the mighty Narwhals. A 14-8 win over Otter and a 9-5 win over Kingston.

Unfortunately I missed the Otter game, but despite the absence of a first choice keeper, I have been told we played pretty well. Bren, in his first game this year was a handful and picked up 5 goals, whilst Nick “hot shot” Shute continued his goal scoring form. Man of the Match was a unanimous vote for Mr. Bowen who went in goal without complaint and I have heard tales of ‘excellent distribution’… cant possibly be the same Gary we know… Fluffer award goes to Mr. Ogg for being halfway to Avondale before realising he should be in Dagenham – but this was closely contended by Rob who managed to sky a shot from 5 meters. Moment of the Match goes to Phil “you do realise the goal is the bit inside the posts” Richards who avoided a Maddy with 20 seconds to go by blasting the ball in off the crossbar.

Despite Kingston having a 1 goal head start yesterday, we successfully turned them over despite their petulant moaning. Oggy and Mr. Shute took responsibility for getting the goals whilst the rest of us either tabled, refereed or watched. Mustafa Stu Bin Harwood recorded his first maddy of the season and we were all thoroughly disappointed by his performance. Oggy was awarded MoM for his efforts in the pit, Chapman won fluffer for his “pass” and Phil unanimously won moment of the match for being slapped in the face by the big tattooed bloke. Comments have been passed to me that Phil needs to make more effort to hit the netting and not the wood work – I am sure he is trying his best!!

As for the stats, Nick continues to lead the goal scoring charts, whilst Gary’s brutality rating is so far off the scale, he can only be listed as “BRUTAL”. It seems we are evenly sharing out the MoM’s – hows that for democracy – but Floater is excelling himself at providing memorable moments in every game.

Now, make sure you are available for Tour!! Nick and I have found some outstanding “accessories”… you wont want to miss it!!

Forza Narwhali!!

Weeble of House Gimli

Stats Update #1

Hello and welcome to the new (and “improved”) statistical update for 2015. As well as including all the old favourites such as the relegation zone, brutality rating and the newly coined (and terribly PC) “Where’s Wally”, we have also included the Normalised Goals category, which lets you know as a percentage how much you have contributed to the goals tally, and the “Fluffer Award”. This award will rotate with the Moment of the Match award depending on whether we have a good or bad game…

Two games into the season and two games of differing fortunes. The season opener was a resounding 20-2 victory over Blue Marlin. Nick ‘Hot Shot’ Shute already staking his claim to top scorer. Given the oppositions preference to play a 5-0-1 formation we had to work hard to break them down defensively following a 9-1 first quarter lead. Man of the Match was given to Mr. Harwood, recognising his 5 goal contribution and the fact that it was his last Narwhals game before disappearing off to Dubai. Phil ‘hitting the post still counts’ Richards was the initial winner of the fluffer award, however, given Mr. Harwood’s inability to correctly call a time out, he was directly responsible for both goals – as such he succeeds in winning the first double whammy of the year!!

Yesterdays game vs. Avondale was a very different story. Despite having an 8 goal head start, we went down to 17-10, despite being level at the end of the third quarter. Unfortunately fitness showed and we were swum out of the pool. Even so, Floater continued his fine form of hitting everything but the netting and there were periods where we defended well – limiting them to two goals in the 2nd quarter – being one highlight. Man of the match was awarded to Finchy as his keeping kept us in the game for at least three quarters. I successfully attained the Fluffer – thanks to looking like I’d been royally rodgered by their pit defender.

Stats sheet attached. Until next time – Forza Narwhali!!


Ps. If anyone has any mates that would like to play polo, get them along.