Certificates Unite Narwhal Team(s)

[Editor: It is awards season this month, so to celebrate, Mr. Shute takes on an Oscar-like odyssey]

January 23rd Stats

Welcome to the 2019 Annual “Certificates Unite Narwhal Team” Awards. Tonight your host is the ghost Amy Winehands, here to take you through the minimal highs, and multiple lows, of the TW Narwhals mighty 23 – 12 win over an unknown team because someone didn’t fill it out on the match sheet and all has been forgotten [Editor: it was Blue Marlin]. All I can say is the Narwhals dominated from start to finish, goals were shared like a raclette in an Alpine Savoy restaurant, all washed down with a 2015 Côtes du Rhône. Anyway, enough about my holiday.

We start with the most uninteresting award of the night, Man of the Match, or as Gimli fondly puts it “whoever scored the most goals”.

Nominations are:

  • Oggy for some great battling in the pit.
  • Andy for some good saves and excellent distribution.
  • Shute for scoring the most goals.
  • Zach for having a good game.

And the winner is………….

Shute for scoring the most goals.

Lets swiftly move on to Moment of the match. That highlight of the game that sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the pile of shit that was likely the rest of the game.

Nominations are:

  • Oggy for a sublime back shot from the put.
  • Andy for great assist passing the length of the pool.
  • Loveless for scoring a goal right handed. Show off.

And the winner is………….

Loveless for shooting better with his wrong hand.

So, we get to the final main award for the night, the Fluffer. And as always this was a cracking contest with a few strong candidates. There were so many 5* fluffs during the game a lot of the smaller ones went completely unnoticed. *Sigh of relief from rest of the crowd*

Nominations are:

  • Charles for hitting the post from 1m out.
  • Gary for his “moment” (can’t even remember what this is just have it written down).
  • Stef for his attempt at a push shot lob when the keeper was meters off his line, only to pass it straight to him.
  • Finch snr for pushing off the wall too early and giving away a foul.

And the clear winner here is Stef, as not only was it truly embarrassing, but it would have been his hattrick!

Finally, we have the Jose Mourinho award for lifetime offering of nothing to the game. However, for the first time in many years, it goes to R.O.N and the flight to Portugal was an empty affair! Shout out to Gary for the single major to save himself, and to Dickinson for getting wrapped in a game we won 23-12…

Until next years awards… Forza Narwhali!!