It has been a cold and miserable winter for all you Narwhal’s fans out there. Two long months of darkness without the shining light of a stats report to brighten your days – but the wait is over – the first game of 2018 came like a guiding star, shining bright in the sky, drawing us closer to an epic tale of brotherhood, bravery and betrayal…
It had been exactly a year since the now legendary navigation of the Victoria Line by Sir Amy of Winehands and Bronn Weasly his ginger gardener, who led the raid on the homelands of the Eastern Otters (who strangely live in the north). The heroic actions of the Narwhal warriors held back the northern hordes but with the coming of winter, the hordes of the Thameside league managed to cross the great river and swarm across south London. It was time for our champions to reassemble.
Observing the Otter horde cut a swathe across Thornton Heath (we assume they were responsible for the fires and chaos) Lord Oggy, now several stone lighter having been to a boxer-cise class, lifted the ancient Narwhal horn to his lips and blew – “Badeeeeeerrrrrpppp” “Badeeeeeeeerrrrrrpppp” “Badeeeeerrrrrrp”.
The Lord of Limoncello lifted his head to a sound he had not heard in months. Knowing what he had to do, he quickly stuffed two bottles of liquid gold into his bag and ran from his house. He jumped onto the steed that had pulled up outside – his travelling partner was to be the feared Champion of Catas(trophy) – three-time winner of the most brutal of tournaments. They were quickly joined by Finches major and minor, bringing together the Knights of Redhill for the first time in 2018. Sadly, Scooter King-Tenison misheard the Narwhal horn and ended up in Lisbon…
Lord Oggy had blown so hard on the horn that it could even be heard in Germany!! Upon hearing the summons to defend his homeland, Tim the Bicep knight promptly dropped his wurst and stein and rushed to find his buried speedos.
Eventually the whole motley crew were assembled and the Nation of Narwhals took to the pool, a merry band of 11. As we prepared for battle, we heard a creak behind us and the sound of a cane banging against the floor. Grand Master Bowen had also heard the call!! Limping from an injury sustained during a previous fight, he took up a spot high above the pool to watch the fight unfold – occasionally oiling his bionic hip.
We took to the water and engaged our foe. The fighting was fiercest in the opening stages, with losses tied at 6-6 at halftime. Bronn and Amy brought the goals whilst Finchy of Many Colours made many miraculous saves – including one from a penalty. It was then in the second half that the Narwhals showed their strength and fitness, opening up a lead in the 3rd quarter which turned into a rout in the 4th – 5 goals without reply left the Narwhals standing in a field of fallen foes. Victorious at last, ensuring that their homelands were safe again. Despite his reputation as a brutal fighter, the Champion of Catas was nowhere to be seen after the battle. It is believed he faked his own death and fled to Portugal.
As our heroes emerged from the field of battle, bloodied and bruised, they made their way to local Inn to sup beer and share tales of their deeds. Little did one of their party know that the Crown and Sceptre would be the scene of a final betrayal. Despite having slain many foes and grabbed himself a (stunning) goal, Gimli, the destroyer of Rings was ambushed by the Knights of Redhill. They beat him down and released the foul Fluffer Troll from its cage. He fought valiantly, protecting his comrades from the foul monster (“Flee you fools!!”), but sadly, despite his efforts, everyone’s favourite Narwhal eventually fell to the assault. Down into the bottomless depths of the Wobble pit Gimili fell, continually wrestling with the Fluffer troll. I suppose he will probably be re-born with new super powers in the next instalment…
Despite fearsome perfomances from Amy and Bronn, the bards will be singing Finchy’s name for the weeks to come. The heroics in goal earning him the first Man of the Match of 2018. It was widely agreed that despite Sir Tony of Popovic’s fumblings in front of goal being superb, Bronn had several incredible moments (goals) – for which he wins that award.
After the victory at the Battle of Croydon Fields, the Narwhal Nation moves on to the Battle of the Arctic. An epic showdown with the Orcas of Stratford.