And the award for incompetence goes to…

In life there are only three certainties – birth, death and Finchy forgetting to arrange a game… This week saw a staggeringly early bid for the Southern Rail Incompetence award and it has set a benchmark that will be difficult to beat!!

As the clock hit 9pm and I climbed in to my car on Wednesday 15th March, I was looking forward to a solid training session. Buoyed by the confirmation of 8 individuals, I was excited to practise some arc work and watch Phil blast shots over the bar. But as I approached the pool, something was off – I spotted several Eastern Otters gathering in the seating area. I was instantly filled with dread – was this an assassination squad sent to take revenge on us after the great battle of Walthamstow? I took no chances – quickly rushing to pool side without making eye contact. There I found a clearly bemused Finchy the Multi-coloured – had he been spending too long looking into a bottle of limoncello?

“Surely they have the date wrong” I mused as I checked our fixture list. “I hope so” responded the Finch… As we waited, more Otters appeared and we were increasingly outnumbered. Then our worst fears were confirmed as two referees arrived – there was to be a game – the opposition knew, the referees knew, we did not. Jumping into action, I grabbed the Narwhal horn…

“Badooooooooopppp!! Badoooooooooppp!!” the call was put out into the murky Croydon night. The scene cuts to Rob Loveless relaxing on his sofa. His ears prick up to the sound of the horn. “Narwhals are in trouble!! I must help them!!” Grabbing his best pair of speedos he ran out into the darkness to bolster our numbers. Sadly the call was not answered by Lord Ogg who was already elbow deep in a curry and beer spectacular. His lack of support for fellow Narwhals was noted…

And so the game began, our motley eight becoming nine with the arrival of Rob “give me majors” Loveless. We got off to a slow start, losing 3-2 in the first quarter, but we were roused by a great debut goal from Sam “gave him the eyes” Dunning – sending the keeper the wrong way and tucking the ball into the opposite corner. A strong second quarter saw us take a (dubious) 6-5 lead, mostly thanks to some very nice goals from Nick “Blurry” Shute. A mixed third quarter saw us finish at 8-8.

As we moved into the fourth quarter, the game began to heat up and get a bit niggly, as Loveless collected his third major, and our lack of basis maths skills caused problems on the table. We even saw Matt “forgetful” Finch come out of goal to try and grab us the win. In true Finch style he managed to collect a major for back-chat within 20 seconds… a strong contender for fluffer… He did however avoid a maddy by finally scoring a goal – a rare thing for him on his few forays out of goal. Sadly the opportunity to tie the game in the last few seconds fell to Ed “not so hot shot” Gamble – and that shot was saved… causing us to disappointingly fall to a 12-11 defeat. The current stats table is below:

March 21st Stats

Man of the Match for the game went to Nick “shooting improves when he’s blind” Shute for bagging 4 goals and moving into joint top spot in the goal scoring tally. Moment of the match went to the man on his debut – Sam “Poser” Dunning for his terrific debut goal. Finally, Fluffer was awarded to Gary, Phil and Zac for their inability to accurately count goals and fill out the match sheet correctly (no wobbles please). I am pleased to confirm that all 9 players managed to return from Portugal without running into the local Police force.

Stats wise it is tight at the top. Nick & Dan are tied on 17 goals, whilst Rob sits close behind on 16. Holah of course is leading as Major King, but is closely followed by Oggy. As we approach the end of Q1, the league table is looking tasty!!

Until next time (whenever that might be…) – Forza Narwhali!!