Guest Report by Everyone’s least favourite Australian

April 3rd Stats

Dear Diary

The date is Monday the 3rd of April. I’ve managed to escape the colonies and return to mother England. Penal life was hard. I’d spent the past 2 years in limbo, far away from civilisation in a hut without many things I’d enjoyed in my previous life in England. Things such as:

  • Early shots in extra man
  • Shots hitting the cross bar
  • Shots straight at the goal keeper
  • Over reliance on our keeper
  • Really really smelly chat
  • Warden John’s aptitude to committing major fouls
  • constant discussions of how amazing last tour was
  • constant discussions of how amazing next tour is going to be

Turns out, life hadn’t changed much in mother England.

Being driven to Avondale by Prison Warden Finch, I was briefed on the way one must act in proper society. Tips included:

Don’t set Warden Gamble up with a goal

That was it.

Released from my shackles, it was time to hit the water and do the warm up. True to my generous nature, I graciously stepped aside to allow those from a much more respectable background of my own to start in the water… and Shute.

The first quarter started strongly with everyone pounding up and down the pool, making good passes and co-ordinating well. John “Major in charge of undisciplined action” Holah surprised everyone by recording a goal in the first quarter rather than a major foul. Indeed, he would go on to complete the match without being evicted from the pool much to the delight of his wife who reportedly is getting extremely sick of having the Major King trophy on the mantelpiece next to the wedding photo.

At the first interval it was 2 – 2 in a close encounter. The Narwhals should have been up by more and the break was spent discussing how well we were playing and how inevitably some of these shots will enter the back of the net and not bounce off the woodwork…

Sadly, the second quarter did not materialise as planned, and Avondale scored after 15 seconds after a bit of sloppy defending allowed one of their players to waltz right in to 5m unmarked and put one past Warden Finch. The only positive thing about this is that Everyone’s least favourite Australian was out of the water, so the blame fell on Warden Gamble.

The second quarter passed with Warden Floats the only Narwhal to trouble the scorecard, and we were facing a 5-3 deficit at the main break. Opportunities had been there though, as we again butchered 3 more Extra man scenarios on the back of the early and rash shots. In fact, in the first half the Narwhals had 8 extra man opportunities and only made one of them count.

The 3rd quarter gained even less highlights as 2 more goals were scored against us. The convict managed to score a goal, but it was disallowed as he had been inside 2m. Classic cheating Australians. “Deport him!!” the crowd cried!!

On the flip side Warden Rob “Woodwork” Loveless finally became sick of hitting the post and so decided to commit a personal foul to vent his feelings. It is reported that he hit the post 5 times on the night. It’s becoming standard.

The last quarter came around and finally, FINALLY we managed to put an extra man in the back of the net. It was a beautiful beautiful piece of play with the ball being passed dry around the back, to and fro, before Warden Loveless overcame his love of the post to put one in the netting. Warden “eye for an eye” Shute was seen celebrating despite sitting on the post and having no real impact in the passage of play.

Man of the Match – Finch Snr  (3) for making some good saves and passing the convict the ball beautifully a number of times. Close second was Holah and Birman (2).

Moment of the Match went to Oggy (deserved) and Gamble (dubious) for their nicely worked final goal.

Fluffer – Rob “Wood wood wood” Loveless for his consistency. It was reported later that three Narwhals vowed to nominate Loveless every week until he started hitting the target. The pressure is on!!

Maddy – Birman, Finch Jnr and Gary

Avondale Maddy (2)
Unfortunately, I couldn’t be smug at the pub because we lost.

In summary Diary, the mighty Narwhals is still an awesome place to play polo, and their style hasn’t changed, even if some of us have become OWLs (Older, wiser & larger).

Heartiest congratulations to Warden Gamble on his wedding for Thursday. His final game before the big day was of a performance that we expected from him. Rubbish.