A second game of the week, a second draw of the week. A home game to a below strength Sutton team, apart from their 1st team player, who decided to actually start playing at half time and rescued them a point.

15th May Stats

Bolstered by the late cry on of Dan “gladiator” Bedford and Tadija “back to full fitness” Popovic, the Narwhals quickly took a 3-0 lead with a classic top corner goal from Mr Potato Head and some lovely shooting from Woody. A second of the quarter from Woody, one for Gladiator, and a couple for them, meant we ended the 1st 4-2 up. 3 more goals from Woody (2) and Mr Poo (1) saw us in a strong position at half time, 7-4.

They were down, and we started the 3rd with solid defence and a goal apiece for Mr Poo, Gladiator and Goggles to go 10-4 into the lead. But then their 1st team player decided he should probably make some effort… The match sheet then reads Blue 5, goal, Blue 5, goal, Blue 5, goal, Blue 11 (because we dropped so hard on 5), goal. 10-8 at the end of the 3rd.

This continued into the 4th, and as we tired we struggled to get out to the shooters from the drop and blue 11 and blue 12 capitalised with some good shooting. Another goal for Woody and Mr Potato head meant we managed to pull 12-10 ahead, but 11 and 12 pegged us back again to end 12-12.

One thing I forgot to mention in this last quarter is during a blue attack we did manage to drop properly and win the ball. A quick counter saw Gladiator 1 v 1 with the keeper, but with the defender about to pounce he made the correct decision to pass the ball across to Woody. With 5 goals to his name already, his confidence was up, but somehow, with the goal as empty as Gimli’s bank account, he couldn’t apply the finish which would have won us the game. For this he unanimously wins Fluffer, including the self nomination. Hasn’t been a less close vote since Kim Jong-un.

However for his strong start to the game and bagging 5 goals Woody does get man of the match as well. Let’s hope next time he can keep it up further than half way. But what about the water polo? Shout out to Mr Potato Head for a couple of good goals and also Richard who sacrificed his maddy to play in goal. He also wins moment for a cracking penalty save, the first of his 45 year polo career!

In other news, Tony Popovic was spotted in Lisbon on Wednesday, presumably having a nice holiday now the football season is pretty much over. Zach is currently under review by the DMC, and may be joining Tony on his holiday soon.

Monday saw the mighty Narwhals embark on a trip to Putney to face Avondale. Always a good game, we were optimistic about the result and keen to get going. Phil “Stallion” Richards, “fresh” from his Japanese exertions was back in the pool, and Charles “is this one Surrey League” K-T was finally allowed to play with us again by his mum… Game on!!

Sadly Ed “danger poo” Gamble missed the swim-off due to spending too long visiting the Putney facilities – he had clearly read the B-Log and couldn’t wait for a visit!! Instead the responsibility fell to Goggles McShute who didn’t let the team down by duly losing the swim-off. The first quarter was tight finishing 2-2 and the game was shaping up to be a good one. Our drop was working really well and we nullified their pit attack. Sadly our shooting was wasteful and we did not take the opportunity to build a lead. Nonetheless, a good long range effort from Chris “Moto” Mann and a typical counter from Goggles meant the first quarter went well. The second followed a similar pattern, with the score 4-4 at half time.

Some good consistent refereeing led to lots of majors and plenty of practise. Buoyed by the knowledge he could “score” and hit the target (whey) Phil “Sumo” Richards bagged himself two of four goals in the 3rd quarter. Going into the 4th, we were 7-6 up. The final quarter was a cagey affair, with the lead changing hands. With a minute to go, Avondale bagged a goal to go 10-9 up and the Narwhals were staring defeat in the face. With 30 seconds to go, up stepped Big balls Richards to save the game. In years go by, as he lined up a shot from 7m, we would have turned and swam back to defend, knowing the ball was already flying over the bar… but in an amazing change of fortune, Phil steadied himself, drew back his short little arm and rocketed a shot in off the near post. The game was saved!! 10-10 the final score – our second draw of the year (of the same scoreline).

Man of the Match went to Big Man Richards who grabbed 4 goals and was exceptional in front of goal. He also got moment of the match for his last gasp winner. Shout out to Rob “woody” Loveless who continued his fine run of stopping the ball going in the net by covering for Finch Snr. when he got sent out for smelly chat. Finch also gets a thumbs up for a good reaction save to keep us in the game. Fluffer went to Gary this week for a poorly executed Lob. Finch Jnr. is still visiting the dubious maddy committee.

Stats will come with the next report.

Forza Narwhali!!

Sorry for the delay on the stats, I have been somewhat busy!! This report brings you two weeks worth of “action” and games that really showed the ying and yang of Narwhals Water Polo. Stats are below:

May 4th Stats

Thursday 20th April saw the Narwhals head to Hammersmith to play London Otter. Fuelled by a pre-game Nando’s and a cheeky McFlurry we felt ready for the task – even Bedford being grumpy didn’t stop us!! More importantly we did not lose a team member due to Phil showing off his Big Tasty… but arriving at the pool we felt slightly deflated. The opposition had been warming up for 20mins already and we were facing the prospect of playing in a shallow end with “home” refs. Nonetheless, we prepared ourselves for the task at hand and quite frankly put in the best half of polo we have played in a very long time.

We threatened with the ball, we made attacking swims and we played a drop defence better than we had for a long time. By the end of the half we were 10-3 up, with a particularly fine 7-0 2nd quarter win. Unfortunately that was our Ying… the Yang now came to the fore. The opposition realised they were under the cosh, and decided to full press us. Hampered by a lack of subs and a very attritional and physical opposition, we struggled to defend our lead. Indeed, we failed to score in the whole of the second half. Even so, we did hang on to a 10-10 draw – which for all intents and purposes was a very good result against a very good team. It is just a shame we couldn’t turn our first half form into a win.

Man of the Match was awarded to Dan “weak wrists” Bedford on his return to the side. He scored some ok lobs and put in a reasonable shift – the highlight of which was getting an opposition player excluded for shouting too loudly… Moment was unanimously awarded to the entire team for that wonderful 2nd quarter, whilst Fluffer was awarded to the entire team for the entire 2nd half. The first game in a while Rob managed to avoid that prestigious award…

Wednesday 26th saw a cobbled team come together to play a strong Croydon 2’s side. So desperate for players were we that we forced Tadija “Brave Little Soldier” Popovic (Big Tony) to come out of recovery early and splash around for us. What could have been a great game was severely hampered by the fact that six Narwhals were arrested pre-game and deported to Portugal. That left only Nick “Four Eyes” Shute, Andy “can’t vote, won’t vote” Ogg and Ed “weeble wobble” Gamble to face the Amphibs on their own. It was a struggle and we sadly slipped to an 18-4 defeat. Our hard work undone by a team of young swimmers (cheating surely…).

Voting from this game was marred in controversy as 4 voters has suspiciously similar votes leading to claims of collusion and vote fixing. Sadly for the individuals in question, their cheating has led to the first triple crown of the year, and possibly to the worst person!! Man of the Match went to Ed “Hero” Gamble for grabbing a great goal and providing some excellent assists. Moment was shared between Gary “missing” Bowen (for a superb reaction save), Andy “casual 7.5k” Ogg (for a box to box swim) and Ed “that guy” Gamble for some outrageously great play. Finally Fluffer went to Ed “he started it” Gamble for getting the only major of the match – an exclusion following a minor handbag event with the opposition. The first triple crown for Gimli – a superb result!! In other news, Matt “but it was a lovely turn” Finch came out of goal again and once more failed to get on the match sheet. Recent reports suggest he is in a Portuguese prison cell being bored to tears by Sponge Rob Poo Pants talking about audit…

Until next time – Forza narwhali!!!

Wednesday 12^th saw the Narwhals travel to the spectacular Cheam Baths for a game against Sutton, South London’s secondary Shit Hole. Without their 2 talismans, Ed “has he destroyed the ring yet?” Gamble and Dan “this game was down the road and still didn’t turn up” Bedford, the Narwhals knew they’d be in for a tough challenge to stop a string of 5 losses.

April 18th Stats

Thankfully, some lovely attacking play outweighed some slack defending and frankly dreadful decision making, and they came home with a 12-11 win.

It was a tight start, our drop defence worked well to stop their pit man but they still managed 4 goals. We replied with 4 ourselves, 2 from Nick “can only score inside 2m” Shute, and 1 a piece from Phil “トイレの男” Richards and Andy “thinks he’s too good to vote” Ogg.

The second continued to be tight, they scored 3 and we could only manage 2, another from Ogg and a lovely backshot from Rob “maybe he should always shoot backwards” Loveless. 7-6 at half time. We continued to battle hard into the 3^rd, and some more solid defending saw us limit them to a couple. However, we started wasting chances as well, and only a couple of top corner bangers from Richards kept us in the game. 1 behind going into the last.

A quick start from the Narwhals saw “wood lover” Loveless take an extra second to aim his shot inside the post, and “goggles” Shute do what he does best, pick on their guy wearing shorts and 2 breakaway goals in the space of a minute. John “what are you doing?” Holah then held the ball for 29 seconds, before banging it in the top corner to take a 3 goal lead. This almost made up for his stupidity, more on that later though. With 3 minutes and 49 seconds left we did our usual start playing like muppets, however it was only enough time for them to grab 2 goals and that great start to the 4^th won us the game.

Voting was unanimous this week. Goggles picks up MoM for his 4 goals, 2 of which were pivotal to the team victory in the final quarter. There were votes for Richards and Loveless as well for their contributions to the game. Loveless goes from fluffer to moment this week purely for not hitting the post. Moment of the match being him drowning, popping up without his man and firing a lovely back shot into the near post. Fluffer this week goes to Holah. With both Chrissy Mann and Floater free on the far side of the pool he decided instead to pass the ball back to their keeper… Special mention to Charles who got a couple of votes (one self inflicted) for smashing the ball into Oggy’s face, and to “Hahahahahaha” who got Holah’s vote.

Forza Narwhali!!

April 3rd Stats

Dear Diary

The date is Monday the 3^rd of April. I’ve managed to escape the colonies and return to mother England. Penal life was hard. I’d spent the past 2 years in limbo, far away from civilisation in a hut without many things I’d enjoyed in my previous life in England. Things such as:

• Early shots in extra man
• Shots hitting the cross bar
• Shots straight at the goal keeper
• Over reliance on our keeper
• Really really smelly chat
• Warden John’s aptitude to committing major fouls
• constant discussions of how amazing last tour was
• constant discussions of how amazing next tour is going to be

Turns out, life hadn’t changed much in mother England.

Being driven to Avondale by Prison Warden Finch, I was briefed on the way one must act in proper society. Tips included:

Don’t set Warden Gamble up with a goal

That was it.

Released from my shackles, it was time to hit the water and do the warm up. True to my generous nature, I graciously stepped aside to allow those from a much more respectable background of my own to start in the water… and Shute.

The first quarter started strongly with everyone pounding up and down the pool, making good passes and co-ordinating well. John “Major in charge of undisciplined action” Holah surprised everyone by recording a goal in the first quarter rather than a major foul. Indeed, he would go on to complete the match without being evicted from the pool much to the delight of his wife who reportedly is getting extremely sick of having the Major King trophy on the mantelpiece next to the wedding photo.

At the first interval it was 2 – 2 in a close encounter. The Narwhals should have been up by more and the break was spent discussing how well we were playing and how inevitably some of these shots will enter the back of the net and not bounce off the woodwork…

Sadly, the second quarter did not materialise as planned, and Avondale scored after 15 seconds after a bit of sloppy defending allowed one of their players to waltz right in to 5m unmarked and put one past Warden Finch. The only positive thing about this is that Everyone’s least favourite Australian was out of the water, so the blame fell on Warden Gamble.

The second quarter passed with Warden Floats the only Narwhal to trouble the scorecard, and we were facing a 5-3 deficit at the main break. Opportunities had been there though, as we again butchered 3 more Extra man scenarios on the back of the early and rash shots. In fact, in the first half the Narwhals had 8 extra man opportunities and only made one of them count.

The 3^rd quarter gained even less highlights as 2 more goals were scored against us. The convict managed to score a goal, but it was disallowed as he had been inside 2m. Classic cheating Australians. “Deport him!!” the crowd cried!!

On the flip side Warden Rob “Woodwork” Loveless finally became sick of hitting the post and so decided to commit a personal foul to vent his feelings. It is reported that he hit the post 5 times on the night. It’s becoming standard.

The last quarter came around and finally, FINALLY we managed to put an extra man in the back of the net. It was a beautiful beautiful piece of play with the ball being passed dry around the back, to and fro, before Warden Loveless overcame his love of the post to put one in the netting. Warden “eye for an eye” Shute was seen celebrating despite sitting on the post and having no real impact in the passage of play.

Man of the Match – Finch Snr  (3) for making some good saves and passing the convict the ball beautifully a number of times. Close second was Holah and Birman (2).

Moment of the Match went to Oggy (deserved) and Gamble (dubious) for their nicely worked final goal.

Fluffer – Rob “Wood wood wood” Loveless for his consistency. It was reported later that three Narwhals vowed to nominate Loveless every week until he started hitting the target. The pressure is on!!

Maddy – Birman, Finch Jnr and Gary

Unfortunately, I couldn’t be smug at the pub because we lost.

In summary Diary, the mighty Narwhals is still an awesome place to play polo, and their style hasn’t changed, even if some of us have become OWLs (Older, wiser & larger).

Heartiest congratulations to Warden Gamble on his wedding for Thursday. His final game before the big day was of a performance that we expected from him. Rubbish.

In life there are only three certainties – birth, death and Finchy forgetting to arrange a game… This week saw a staggeringly early bid for the Southern Rail Incompetence award and it has set a benchmark that will be difficult to beat!!

As the clock hit 9pm and I climbed in to my car on Wednesday 15th March, I was looking forward to a solid training session. Buoyed by the confirmation of 8 individuals, I was excited to practise some arc work and watch Phil blast shots over the bar. But as I approached the pool, something was off – I spotted several Eastern Otters gathering in the seating area. I was instantly filled with dread – was this an assassination squad sent to take revenge on us after the great battle of Walthamstow? I took no chances – quickly rushing to pool side without making eye contact. There I found a clearly bemused Finchy the Multi-coloured – had he been spending too long looking into a bottle of limoncello?

“Surely they have the date wrong” I mused as I checked our fixture list. “I hope so” responded the Finch… As we waited, more Otters appeared and we were increasingly outnumbered. Then our worst fears were confirmed as two referees arrived – there was to be a game – the opposition knew, the referees knew, we did not. Jumping into action, I grabbed the Narwhal horn…

“Badooooooooopppp!! Badoooooooooppp!!” the call was put out into the murky Croydon night. The scene cuts to Rob Loveless relaxing on his sofa. His ears prick up to the sound of the horn. “Narwhals are in trouble!! I must help them!!” Grabbing his best pair of speedos he ran out into the darkness to bolster our numbers. Sadly the call was not answered by Lord Ogg who was already elbow deep in a curry and beer spectacular. His lack of support for fellow Narwhals was noted…

And so the game began, our motley eight becoming nine with the arrival of Rob “give me majors” Loveless. We got off to a slow start, losing 3-2 in the first quarter, but we were roused by a great debut goal from Sam “gave him the eyes” Dunning – sending the keeper the wrong way and tucking the ball into the opposite corner. A strong second quarter saw us take a (dubious) 6-5 lead, mostly thanks to some very nice goals from Nick “Blurry” Shute. A mixed third quarter saw us finish at 8-8.

As we moved into the fourth quarter, the game began to heat up and get a bit niggly, as Loveless collected his third major, and our lack of basis maths skills caused problems on the table. We even saw Matt “forgetful” Finch come out of goal to try and grab us the win. In true Finch style he managed to collect a major for back-chat within 20 seconds… a strong contender for fluffer… He did however avoid a maddy by finally scoring a goal – a rare thing for him on his few forays out of goal. Sadly the opportunity to tie the game in the last few seconds fell to Ed “not so hot shot” Gamble – and that shot was saved… causing us to disappointingly fall to a 12-11 defeat. The current stats table is below:

March 21st Stats

Man of the Match for the game went to Nick “shooting improves when he’s blind” Shute for bagging 4 goals and moving into joint top spot in the goal scoring tally. Moment of the match went to the man on his debut – Sam “Poser” Dunning for his terrific debut goal. Finally, Fluffer was awarded to Gary, Phil and Zac for their inability to accurately count goals and fill out the match sheet correctly (no wobbles please). I am pleased to confirm that all 9 players managed to return from Portugal without running into the local Police force.

Stats wise it is tight at the top. Nick & Dan are tied on 17 goals, whilst Rob sits close behind on 16. Holah of course is leading as Major King, but is closely followed by Oggy. As we approach the end of Q1, the league table is looking tasty!!

Until next time (whenever that might be…) – Forza Narwhali!!

Hello all,

It’s been fairly quiet on the Stats front – so we have a bumper stats report for you today. Showing stats from our last 3 games – a Win vs. Blue Marlin and two loses – one to Kingston and one against Avondale II’s.

March 10th Stats

There were no awards from the Blue Marlin game as it became a bit of a friendly. All you need to know is that Dan and Nick played for the other side and gave most of us the run around. Their goals and majors still counted though – so an easy couple of goals for them… That being said, they did become the first Narwhals to properly lose this year…

Next up, we have Finchy’s report of the Kingston game – bitterly titled: You’ve been Lenkied… (enjoy!!)

******

A Narwhals team shorn of its two leading goal scorers but buoyed by the absence of renowned scouse impersonator, Ed ‘Stag’ Gamble, rocked up to Kingston hoping to maintain our winning run. Little did we know that we had been signed up to participate in the water polo version of the “Wheel of Fortune”, the Alex Lenkie Wheel of ******!!****!!.

Having participated in this shit show game show before we knew what to expect and unfortunately we were not to be disappointed.

Lenkie did his usual manicure check and told us he would penalise going over the top and standing, unless it was Kingston he didn’t add.

Our usual strong start saw us concede early before Rob equalised in an uncharacteristic piece of good play, alas it didn’t last and the Lenkie wheel was spun…. attacking reversal…. spin… no foul…. yet again as the decisions got stranger our focus began to slip from the game in hand to trying to understand the enigma wrapped in a shell of ineptitude that is Lenkie. We also didn’t help ourselves by resorting to poor lobs. 3-1 down at the end of the first.

The second quarter saw us attack the deep end and a solid defensive effort saw us restrict them to a single goal. However Oggy was getting pummelled in the pit for no return and Lenkie refused to offer us anything. Charles did manage to squeeze in a shot just before half time to take us to 4 – 2 down at the break.

The third quarter saw us conceded early again but come back strong, helped by a couple of exclusions and a delightful Oggy goal from the pit, 5 – 4 at the end of the third.

The final quarter was such a complete and utter shower of **** that the author is still in therapy for it. Lenkie took control of the game and spun the wheel as often as he could. We lost. It was horrible. Rob excluded himself with a couple of minutes to go, threw down his hat and cried salty tears. The game ended in a 9-5 loss, with Tom “Bournemouth” Burridge scoring our final goal at the death.  Final score 9-5 to Kingston

Mom was shared between Charles for his well taken goal and me for saving three one on ones and remembering how to pass. Fluffer was Floater as I wouldn’t allow the ref to be nominated. Moment of the match was Charles’ shot in the second quarter.

The struggle continues, Forza Narwali!

**********

As for the Avondale game, I cannot say there were many highlights. It was clear from the start we were pretty unfit and hadn’t trained in quite a while. As a result of the fairly poor performance, we did see the first award of MoM to our dear friend RON. Nick won Moment of the Match for being blind and still scoring, whilst Oggy won Fluffer for really really struggling with a one on one.

One positive from the game is that we have a new team member Sam. He nearly wasn’t allowed into the team because he admitted to knowing Lash – but the fact he claims to be an actor, singer and model meant that he had a lot in common with Ed “Hero” Gamble – so we let him stay!! Welcome to the team Sam!!

Hopefully we can pick up a W soon. We have quite a slump in form at the moment, so lets turn it around!!

Forza Narwhali!!!

Following the Skirmish of Stratford where a brave 6 Narwhals battled superior numbers to become victors in December, a pod of Orcas migrated north to take on the Narwhals in their Arctic home to seek vengeance…

10th Feb stats

The match began with some concern for the Narwhals. Having prepared ourselves for the coming battle, we were missing a member of our team. Nick “late for the start” Shute was nowhere to be seen. We could only assume he had developed a funny eye again and had taken a wrong turn in the dark… Still, even though we were short of one, we still managed to push ourselves in a 3-0 lead at the end of the quarter. Dan “last gasp” Bedford even managed to sneak a goal in just on the buzzer!!

The second quarter saw wholesale changes as the Narwhals swapped in 4 subs (an unheard of number!!). This had little to no impact on the performance as we continued to race into a 7-0 lead by halftime. Highlight of the quarter was a cheeky one-two goal between Ed “great lines” Gamble and Nick “thanks for showing up” Shute. The Narhwals were feeling confident having won both swim-offs and finding success with our half-bath press. Of equal joy was the continued success of the “Don’t let Ed score” game… at some point something had to go wrong…

The Third Quarter saw everyone’s favourite ring destroyer win another swim-off which ultimately resulted in Andy “four goal” Ogg grabbing a well taken goal. John “Punchy” Holah then managed to secure his major contribution for the day by clobbering an Orca. He was clearly capitalising on the fact that Gary “up the Shard” Bowen wasn’t playing – looking to put an early claim on what would be a 4th Catas Trophy… Then Rob managed to ruin it for everyone…

In a flowing attacking move that saw the Narwhals race down the pool in a flying wedge formation, Phil “Portuguese Police” Richards was left with the ball cleanly on the left hand side. His options flashed through his mind… a.) shoot b.) pass to Rob c.) pass to Ed. Realising that if he shot the Narwhals would not get a goal, he considered his next two options. “Clearly passing to Rob is the best option here”, he thought, “no one wants to pass to Ed”. So pass to Rob he did. Rob caught the ball with ease, surging out of the water to catch the ball and shoot in one clean motion. Little did we know however that Rob was having an internal monologue too; “Hang on, Phil hasn’t hit the post!! Someone has to hit the post!! I know… I can hit the post!!” – so hit the post he did. Sadly for him, Gimili was floating near by. Like a fat boy on some sweets he quickly scooped up the ball and pinged it into the top corner. 10-0 to the Narwhals, 1-0 to Gamble, Fluffer to Loveless…

Sadly Orca then managed to pick up a goal, the result of a man-down situation caused by Zac’s customary foul in the opposition half. That being said, we finished the quarter 12-1 and went on to win the game 15-3, two further goals conceded by Finch Senior – one a lob from 10m and the other a shot at his near post. Dear oh dear… Nonetheless, the Narwhals again emerged victorious, making it 4-0 for the season. The games will invariably get harder, but it is a good way to build confidence!!

Man of the match this week went Dan “5 goal” Bedford for his goal contribution and penalty winning flair. He also was awarded Moment(s) of the Match for picking up 2 buzzer beater goals. Delightful. It has already been mentioned that Loveless won fluffer (already set a good score ahead of the Christmas Party) but he did narrowly beat Finch Snr for getting lobbed, Finch Jnr for his maddy evading major and Bedford for struggling against their rush keeper (so nearly the triple crown!!!). All that is left for me to say is that Phil has gone missing in Portugal. Worryingly he has taken Charles with him, so we all fear for the young boys safety…

Until next time – Forza Narwhali!!

This week saw two games for the Narwhals which resulted in two victories (post truth/fact). A 13-11 win vs. Avondale II’s in the Tom Dwyer and a friendly 14-8 win vs. Guildford II’s. Stats available below:

Feb 3rd Stats

Monday 30th saw an intrepid 10 travel to Putney to begin our defense of the Tom Dwyer Cup. Inexplicably despite having a 2-goal positive handicap last season, we were allocated a 3-goal deficit this year. The 5 goal swing was daunting and unexplained, and our hopes sank as the nominated ref was from Avondale I’s. With the odds against us, we took to the pool.

The game that followed saw a very strong team performance. Our half bath press worked well and after 2 quarters we held a deserved 5-3 lead. We did have a few issues around passing (Rob) and shooting (Rob) but in total we limited Avondale to few chances. There is an argument to say we should have been further ahead!! A strong 3rd quarter saw us open up a 8-4 lead and confidence was high. Sadly we had a mad 3mins in the 4th and let Avondale back into the game. Even so, we held strong and secured the 13-11 victory. In normal Tom Dwyer situations we would be out – but the level of handicap has been challenged and the odds may still swing in our favour!!

For man of the match we actually saw 7 individuals nominated for the award – showing that nearly everyone had a great game. Even so, the MoM for this game was shared between Dan “weak wrist” Bedford and Nick “weepy arm” Shute for their goal contributions. Moment of the match went to Zac “best Finch” Finch who is always good for a goal against Avondale. Fluffer was tightly fought between Oggy and Loveless for some impressive misses, but it was clearly won by Rob “scatter-gun” Loveless for some wayward shooting and a pass to Nick that actually left the pool…

Here’s the maddy… I can confirm Lisbon is lovely this time of year… (#100%record)

Wednesday 1st February saw us take part in a friendly match against Guildford – the return leg from December where a week 3rd quarter led to a disappointing loss. Before the game we lost Matt “baby sitter” Finch and Phil “Simon Tidy” Richards who both took an impromptu trip to the Portuguese coast. They still haven’t come home…

The team were doubly disheartened to hear they would be without their motivational linchpin Ed “heart and soul of the team” Gamble who had to referee for 2 quarters of the game. Nonetheless, the Narwhals raced into a strong lead, with a Loveless hattrick contributing to a 5-1 1st quarter lead. Rob “Gepetto” Loveless quickly  reverted to type however and failed to pick up any further goals for the rest of the game… Noticing that Gary had made an early start to the Major King award, John “slasher” Holah wasted no time in collecting two majors by half-time. There is no way anyone else is winning that prize…

Halftime saw a 9-4 scoreline which quickly raced to 12-7 by the end of the third. We struggled with a touch of selfishness, often reluctant to give that final pass to a team mate. Several opportunities were squandered in the 2nd half and Chris “Where’s Wally” Mann got particularly annoyed with certain team mates who significantly contributed to his interview with Portuguese police. A solid final quarter saw a well deserved 14-8 victory for the Narhwals.

Man of the Match was shared 4 ways, with Oggy, Rob, Dan and Gary all collecting 2 votes. Moment of the match went to Charles for a couple of good goals – especially the one just before the buzzer. Rob “adult industry fan” Loveless again challenged hard for the role of Fluffer, but was pipped to the post by John “ham-fist” Holah who secured three majors in his first game of the season. A solid debut for 2017!!

Next week sees the continuation of the Thameside League and crucial battle against London Orca!!

Forza Narwhali!!

Monday 23rd January saw the first game of the 2017 season for the Narwhals. Rusty from a lack of game time we trekked to the furthest reaches of the Victoria Line for a Thameside show down with the Eastern Otters.

Jan 27th Stats

With a strong contingent of 12, we began the day in a buoyant mood. We were quickly whittled down to 11 by the first match day maddy (MDM) of the year when John “prick on a bike” Holah realised it would be a struggle to cycle all the way to Walthamstow and video himself at the same time, dropped out. Without our main enforcer, we worried we may be a bit light on the “punchy” front – little did we know Andy “thug” Ogg was looking to step fully into the gap… more on that later…

Our lack of match practise was evident in the first quarter as we quickly slipped to a 3-0 deficit. Rob “sky shot” Loveless was the main culprit with several loose shots and some very wayward passing. That being said we were all very much to blame with passes and shots failing to hit the target for the whole quarter. Luckily Nick “Gammy Eye” Shute managed to grab us a goal back, leaving the score 3-1 at the end of the first.

In the second quarter we started to get back into the game, with Charles grabbing his first goal for the club and Rob finally finding the target at the 18th/19th time of asking. 4-3 to the Narwhals at the half.

The second half was a much better performance as we finally found our feet. Ed “hide and seek” Gamble won the swim-off (surprisingly) and the resulting series of passes (from Nick to Zac to Dan) ended up with Dan “stiff wrist” Bedford scoring from the off. Otter didn’t even touch the ball!! Another highlights of the quarter saw Phil “left wing” Richards finish off a delightfully worked man-up – one of the few times we did exactly what we said we’d do. That phase of play also saw Phil pick up the moment of the match award for the game!! We had a very strong quarter seeing the score at the end of the 3rd 9-4.

Into the 4th Quarter we trotted. We picked up a few more well worked goals, with Chris “Burns Night Boozer” Mann scoring a trademark goal from the top of the arc and Charles picking up another goal to give him 2 for the game and securing his spot as “best left handed player” of the season so far. Despite our grip on the game, Andy “enforcer” Ogg took it a bit literally and got a very good grip on a member of the opposition. Some punches were traded and both players ended up in the bin. As a result, Oggy picked up 3 majors, an early lead in the Brutality charts & the Fluffer award. Good job!! He narrowly beat Rob “carpenter” Loveless to the award. Final score for the Narwhals, a solid 14-4 win!!

Man of the match for the game was shared between Charles “my mum let me play this week” T-K and Nick “the hobbit” Shute, for their 2 and 4 goals respectively. Portuguese police are still looking for Gimli and Finch Jnr. Zac has a lot of work to do if he wants to win “Best Finch of the Year” at the 2017 awards ceremony…

Until next time… Forza Narwhali!!